The Autogyne Files Part III
A Conversation with Jennifer, a Trans Widow
Welcome to the third part of the series; The Autogyne Files. In this piece, I’ll be having a conversation with Jennifer, a Trans Widow.
Please consider reading part I & II before going ahead, to give some context behind this series and why I’m having these conversations.
The Autogyne Files Part I - Dirty Words: Exploring the narratives around Autogynephilia
The Autogyne Files Part II - A conversation with Anne Ominous, a young transitioner
The Autogyne Files Part III - A conversation with Jennifer, a Trans Widow
The Autogyne Files Part IV - A conversation with a young Sexologist, G
The Autogyne Files Part III
A Conversation with Jennifer, a Trans Widow
Late last year, I met Jennifer as I was visiting Ireland. I had been invited to have a few drinks in the small group of what you may call TERFs. They were just normal women to me though, but all had some involvement in this.
Jennifer is a public Trans Widow, you may have seen her on X and in interviews. Her story is both shocking and saddening, like many women in her position, with years of marriage down the drain.
Like many others in her position, has been through a great deal, not just because of her ex-partner, but the reactions in the local community and wider. I don’t think this series can be done properly without voices like Jennifer’s, and I hope you’ll all join me in thanking her for taking part.
Ritchie: “Jennifer! It’s been almost a year since you got me drunk on prosecco! How have you been?”
Jennifer: “I’ve been good, Ritchie, keeping busy. That was such a great night. I hope we can all do it again this year. It can be isolating up here in Donegal so it was very nice to be nestled for the night among people who get it and just shoot the breeze and enjoy each other’s company.”
Ritchie: “Absolutely, that evening was a lot of fun!”
Ritchie: “You have a very interesting accent; it’s got the Irish twang but the American soul. When you’re back over in the US, do people notice or do you just revert straight back into the old accent?”
Jennifer: “My accent has definitely changed after 15 years in a Gaeltacht. I have a habit of talking really fast and my voice is quiet so people often have a hard time understanding me. I don’t really notice the change in my accent until I'm on the phone with an American relative and they make fun of me. My kids are like accent chameleons. I don’t know what I am. Adaptable?”
Ritchie: “It’s endearing, and being half deaf I do something similar with my speech, especially when I forget my hearing aid.”
Ritchie: “For those who aren’t aware of your story, can you give us a brief run down of what happened and when?”
Jennifer: “I met my ex almost 30 years ago. He told me about his crossdressing and his feeling that he was ‘a woman on the inside’ early on, and I was never comfortable with it, particularly as his idea of a woman is thoroughly inspired by porn.
I was honest with him about my feelings, but I tried to keep an open mind and understand why he felt as he did. I thought naively that he heard me and understood why I was uncomfortable with his portrayal of women. I thought I was helping him get to a healthier place of self acceptance.
He went through the typical binges and purges through the years, always kicking up when I was vulnerable like when pregnant. His excuse was that allowing himself to express his “inner woman" comforted him when he was depressed and homesick. This didn’t match up with the fact that when it suited him, he seemed happy enough to be the man he was.
He was quite able to function and quite well at that, without indulging himself in what appeared to me to simply be a porn and crossdressing habit. His anger, aggression and indifference to toward me and the kids increased as the years went on. I convinced myself that once we finally returned to Ireland as we'd planned since the first year we were together, he would be happy and things would improve but I couldn't have been more wrong.
Once I was isolated from family and friends with three kids to look after, he devoted himself completely to his fetish. He did little but look at porn and various chatrooms all day and force me to comply with whatever this inspired at night after the kids were in bed. When I refused to participate, he would completely ignore me until I gave in because I needed heat for the house and food.
Ritchie: “That sounds awful, I’m sorry. It’s like he did what he wanted without any consideration towards you or the family, how selfish.”
Ritchie: “How have you been received on social media and beyond, explaining your story?”
Jennifer: “I’m happy about the way I’ve been able to reach a wider audience via social media. It’s so important to get trans widows voices out there. Our stories matter as much as anyone’s whose lives have been adversely affected by trans issues.”
Ritchie: “You’ve had a pretty bad reaction from the local community too, can you tell us a little more about that?”
Jennifer: “Well at first it was the same as in other domestic violence situations. People had some empathy but didn't want to know the details. You know the old ‘keep it behind closed doors’ thing. When people learned part of the abuse was related to his claim to be “trans” they wanted to write him off as the rare bad apple in a vulnerable, marginalised group.
When local activists got wind that I was speaking out publicly, they were determined to vilify me so that I'd be dismissed. They painted me as LGBTphobic, even though they knew the issues I had were nothing to do with LGB. It came to a boil when I tried to raise child safeguarding concerns about a multi-paraphilic man (AGP, BDSM, Furry) from TENI who was invited to town for a ‘tea and chat’ to speak about ‘trans children’.
Those that run the local pride group framed me as a right-wing anti-LGBT extremist. Other locals who wanted to just enjoy what they believed Pride represented - support for same sex attracted people - or wanted to believe it was all a storm in a teacup and stay out of it altogether were not too impressed either. The pride group and a local transhausen by proxy parent, who is also a teacher at the local tech, even reported me to the police and a guard showed up at my door to give me a talking to. It was mad. Now I keep myself to myself. No community for troublemaking TERFs. I daresay it would be a different story if any of those who couldn’t be bothered had a sister being abused by a man like my ex or a vulnerable child captured by harmful trans nonsense.
As it stands, even those who will grant that I may have a point make out that I just wasn’t nice enough about it all. I was never hostile or disagreeable. I just politely set about warning people and activists did not like it one bit so set out to misrepresent me.
You’ve met me Ritchie. I’m not exactly intimidating. If anything, I’m timid.”
Ritchie: “Not in the slightest. It sounds like a classic DARVO though, and very isolating.”
Ritchie: “What were your first thoughts when he did this?”
Jennifer: “My first thought when he walked into the room in a skirt with his hair tied up was ‘what the hell?’ It really came out of the blue.
My ex is an extremely masculine looking man, craggy even and he has a very deep voice. To break me in as it were, he told me a touching story about his childhood and wearing his auntie’s clothes. He even showed me a photo of his sweet little self. That really affected me and made me feel protective of the little boy he once was.
I found out much later after talking about my experience publicly that this is a common tactic used by these men to manipulate their wives and girlfriends. I’ve also found out since getting away from him that most of the things he told me about his childhood and adolescence were complete fabrications. It’s still weird to realise I never really knew the man I married and have children with.”
Ritchie: “That sounds jarring. It seems to me, the longer they do this or keep it to themselves, the worst the neurosis becomes. It’s easy to fall into the empathy trap, but I’ve noticed many of them lie about their past, and make claims that cannot be proven because decades have gone by. There was one man I knew, who transitioned late in life and told everyone he was intersex, but I went to school with one of his kids and so did my older sibling, so I knew it was impossible for what he was claiming, and when I said something I was the arsehole.”
Ritchie: “I’m so sorry Jennifer. It’s all really quite devastating. How did you manage to cope after?”
Jennifer: “Coping after was very difficult. I was quite isolated thousands of miles away from friends and family but I didn’t want to uproot my children again so I was determined to make a go of it.
My ex continued to try to torment me however possible but didn’t bother much with the children, and in that regard I consider myself very lucky. But that didn’t stop local activists from targeting my kids, particularly my oldest son.”
Ritchie: “They targeted your eldest?! And another follow up question if its okay, you said he would torment you, how do you mean?”
Jennifer: “Yes, my eldest was vulnerable for various reasons, mostly his proclivity towards disassociating to handle emotional difficulty. At first he openly rejected trans, but was brutally ostracised from his friend group, and it was so difficult for him. He became isolated and withdrawn and started being on his computer all the time, no matter how much I pleaded for him to come out of his room and be with his family or go into nature. ‘LGBTQIA+ Allies’ of his Dad targeted him relentlessly. God knows what they said to him. He began dating a girl who said she was a boy, and was let back into the cool crowd. After he went to college, he started to say he was trans himself, and now he’s a hero to the same shits who abandoned him.
My Ex just kept threatening suicide and trying to get to me through the kids, by telling everyone who would listen how mean i was. Typical stuff. He also took every penny of our money and refused to pay support so we struggled financially. He’s now jetting about the world exploiting and abusing others. But at least I’m finally free of him, or as free as I’ll ever be, as we have children together.”
Ritchie: “Did your ex call himself a mother once he transitioned, or was he okay calling himself a father?”
Jennifer: “My ex kept his paraphilia hidden from the kids. When he began to take it out of the bedroom and wear his fishnets and leather gear under a housecoat in the sitting room in the afternoon, with the kids in the house, I got the hell out of there.
So no, he didn’t ask them to call him Mom. He couldn’t really be bothered to make much effort with his kids as wanking to porn was all consuming passion.”
Ritchie: “Thats terrible. Did you notice a gradual escalation in his behaviour?”
Jennifer: “Yes, it got worse and worse over the years, with periods where he stopped because I said I was going to leave or left him. After we went to Ireland, it was full-on and escalated brutally.”
Ritchie: “How long was it before your relationship broke down and your ex partners transition?
Jennifer: “15 years. When I left he tried to force me to get back together saying he could only be himself (a woman) with me and that he was going to kill himself. Eventually he realised I was not going to get back with him so he moved first to Thailand then to the Philippines where he found an impoverished woman less than half his age. There was a baby in less than a year. Now she’s trapped, dealing with him and his fetish. He still reverts to man mode when it it suits him.”
Ritchie: “Wow, so he was emotionally black mailing you with suicide? Disgusting. Like many older AGP’s, it seems as though he wants to have his cake and eat it. And now he’s moved onto another woman, who is also quite vulnerable by the sounds of it. “
Ritchie: “I’ve seen a lot of commentary regarding Trans Widows, and outsiders seem to take a less empathetic view, often it comes across as judgemental, almost as if you should have seen it coming. I think thats wholly unfair, what are some other misconceptions that trans widows receive?”
Jennifer: “It’s a pretty bog standard response to domestic violence. It’s the same old same old really, but in our case it’s compounded by the fact that our abusers are apparently always the victim, no matter what, no debate. In reality these guys are congratulated and celebrated for putting their wives and children through hell. If we aren’t willing to endure that hell not just quietly but gratefully, while also pretending it isn’t happening, we are evil transphobes.
The fact that so many trans widows are sexually coerced and raped - well, that’s something that people really don’t want to hear. It’s too much, too dark. It’s hard to talk about knowing there will be creeps getting off on it but if we are to understand the real impacts of trans ideology, this stuff has to be exposed. To be told, not only by activists, but those who claim to be fighting the harm of trans ideology, that trans widows are the extremists for daring to speak of the violence we’ve endured is so frustrating, angering and demoralising. It’s meant to be. Anything to shut us up.
People will always vilify those who tell them what they don’t want to hear or don’t want heard. Things like you can't make exceptions for your friends or heroes or that men who decide what’s theirs is theirs and what’s women’s is theirs are fundamentally misogynist, or that so-called “experts” and their endless public speculation simply perpetuate the problem.
When I first countered damaging misinformation peddled by one of these “experts” I got a lot of “who do you think you are!?” It’s a phrase I heard more than any other from my ex. I'm a woman who's lived with this 24/7, that's who I am. Trans widows have vital knowledge that “experts” do not. We should be considered a resource but instead we are vilified because we threaten the authority of this professional class.
Ritchie: I understand, thank you. I used to volunteer in a mixed domestic violence shelter and this sounds eerily similar, but horrifyingly unique. Can I ask, how do you feel about the term; Trans Widow?
Jennifer: “I think the term is apt. It gets our complex situation across in two words, and allows us to find and support each other. I have yet to hear any alternative that isn’t a page long that does the job as well. As far as it offending bereaved widows, or that it perpetuates the use of the term trans; I’ve only ever heard that concern from people who just don’t want women like us to have a voice, or a way to connect and seek support.”
Ritchie: “That makes perfect sense, and I can relate to that with the term ‘detrans’.
Ritchie: “You have a new partner now, in fact, if i’m not mistaken you re-married right?”
Jennifer: “Yes, it’s been ten years now, though we’re not married yet. Ireland makes it very difficult for women in my situation to officially move on. But we’ve built a happy life together and hopefully will get to tie the knot eventually. It was really daunting at first. I was immediately drawn to my partner even through the fug of PTSD and everything else. I was so afraid to trust my instincts after all that happened. I suppose the need for something nice in my life spurred me on. We took it very very slowly but got there eventually and now we have something very sweet and special. I’m glad I trusted myself and him. It’s been very healing. It restored my faith in myself and to a degree, humanity. He helps enormously with everything life and my ex throws at us. I feel very fortunate.”
Ritchie: “He sounds like a great guy from the little I know, and I’m glad you have him. I can imagine trusting anyone would be difficult after going through that.”
Ritchie: “How was it being public about this? You mentioned you had difficulty in your local community. Were the two connected?”
Jennifer: “It was an agonising decision whether to go public. Watching my kids be targeted and captured by trans ideology after years of struggling to get away from the destructiveness of my ex was horrible. I thought if people knew whats happening to me and so many others; that they’d be appalled and help. I’m still surprised that so many are either intent on continuing what they must know on some level is harmful or determined to be wilfully blind and indifferent.”
Ritchie: “The men doing this to their wives, you mean?”
Jennifer: "Yes, the men doing this to their wives, and grooming younger men and boys to use as shields and battering rams, kids and vulnerable young people being targeted, all of it! But it’s such a mess. You can end up sounding like a conspiracy nut if you talk about it to someone who’s oblivious.
Ritchie: “What are your hopes for future discourse around this topic?”
Jennifer: “As a trans widow, I want to centre women, particularly survivors like me who’ve been studiously ignored by many in this “debate”. When we say we are mocked, coerced, belittled, traumatised, sexually assaulted and abused by men claiming to be trans, I’d like people to hear us and consider what we are saying rather than being dismissive, defensive or manipulative.
We don’t want to hear misogyny isn’t happening when we are drowning in its effects, whether or not that was anyone’s original intention. I understand why a trans widow isn’t interested in what motivates men to harm us when we are constantly told the harm isn’t happening, or that it’s our fault, or it isn’t that bad, or others suffer too or that we’re dwelling in victimhood when, in fact, by telling our stories we’re simply asserting the fact that we are also humans that matter in all this. I want people to know we are not extremists for not accepting theories or conjecture about male behaviour that negatively affects us when our experience and understanding of it was discounted from the start and stubbornly continues to be (see Blanchard).
The most egregious take I’ve seen is that a strong woman, a woman worthy of participating in this conversation, handles boundary violation by pretending it isn't happening and proudly centres the boundary-violating men. Down with that kind of thing.
As a mother to variously captured children, I’m interested in more discourse and implementation of safeguarding. I am also interested in the information that is filtering down to children and young people, particularly by those who profess to be “saving” them from the harm of trans ideology while simultaneously exploiting them. I’m concerned about the entrepreneurs and experts who put their own interests above all else and refuse to be accountable for their actions and behaviour.
I want people to know that no one is beyond scrutiny, and I want people to hear and discuss the truth, even the least palatable truths. I want boys like my son to hear from those willing to incorporate the experience and knowledge of women, of mothers, not professionals who perpetuate harm to everyone in the interests of creating an industry for themselves.
Women who question the judgement and motivations of self-proclaimed authority, who are not willing to accept what’s considered to be the prevailing wisdom, who put safeguarding first and foremost are not the enemy. Blind trust, toadyism, the suppression of dissenting voices is what got us here. We cannot reach a vital understanding of the destructiveness of trans while ignoring what we find painful, inconvenient or annoying.”
Ritchie: “Thank you Jennifer, I agree wholeheartedly. My hope is that women can speak and be heard, especially those who have been hurt and are being hurt like yourself.”
Jennifer: “Thank you, Ritchie, for talking with me. I appreciate it very much. Bring on Belfast xmas gathering 2024!”
Ritchie: “No, thank you. This chat was enlightening and I hope others take something from it, whether its feeling free to speak up or finding commonality in your story. And I also look forward to another gathering!”
Reflections
My goodness.
Jennifer’s story and the many others like hers; highlight the dark side of fetishistic men lost in their paraphilias. It goes to show just how destructive it can be for families who are often left broken and silenced.
Though I’m glad Jennifer is moving forward, it’s clear from the many years of gaslighting, neglect and abuse, that this has taken a huge toll, one that many of us underestimate and rush to make judgements.
Her resilience and strength are admirable, but she should never have had to be so strong. Personally, I find it very difficult to comprehend the reasoning men like Jennifer’s ex have. To do that to your loving partner, to ignore your children and inflict terrible pain on someone you’re supposed to love forever is nothing short of selfishness personified.
You can find Jennifer on X, and I would also encourage watching the recent release of ‘Behind the Looking Glass’, which Jennifer took part in.
If you’d like to support my ongoing work and activism, please consider donating, liking, sharing, or leaving a comment below.
Your ongoing support, feedback, and well wishes keep me going! Thank you!
-Ritchie
Thanks so much for this deep delve into what we trans widows experience. In my data on 60+ trans widows, the rate of sexual assault by husband before she leaves is 1/3. The rate of physical assault is a bit higher but less than half. Our ex-husbands defame and vilify us to others and our children over half of the time. This is particularly overt when children are involved. I am part of the lucky 2/3 who were not assaulted. Women who answer my survey are amazingly honest; we could all claim he physically hurt us but I find that women are very honest, and sometimes even still delude themselves regarding the fact of his jealous aggression towards us. I'm proud of you, Ritchie, for taking on this conversation with trans widows!