There is a notion in discourse, that ideological opponents can exist as ‘one of the good ones’; as long as they say the right things to the right people at the right time. In this reflective post, I want to explore that concept further and the various ways it manifests across the spectrum of discourse.
Women’s Rights Activism and Men
Women and some men, like myself, have both been grossly impacted by gender affirmation for the worse. Safeguards have been torn down, words redefined and with the backing of governments and large institutions; have enabled the systematic policy shifts that have fast tracked people to procedures they shouldn’t have had, and allowed men to brazenly walk into women’s spaces without fear of reprisal.
Despite the decades long siege against women, they remain amongst the most empathetic. They understand the difficulty, and in my experience they have been practical and supportive. They’ve stood by, defended and even launched counter attacks when I or another of my friends have been viciously attacked. That’s far more than any trans group ever could have ever hoped to claim.
This mutually beneficial relationship, between those who experienced medical negligence and the women in this, has proven fruitful, and to this day friendships have been brewed from that makeshift alliance. Yet, I know enough to know that this in itself is not without risk. Men, who call themselves transsexuals, were able to easily infiltrate women’s groups under the same premise of ‘one of the good ones’, only to either profiteer or throw back the trust in the faces. I’m wary of repeating that mistake, and think the solution going forward is to simply say no thanks. That’s doesn’t mean we can’t cheer on one another, but working directly together is probably a mistake.
There are no good men in women’s spaces, none.
Over the last few years, I’ve watched apparent self-aware AGPs and ‘transsexuals’ positioning themselves as allies to women, sometimes years in advance and to the detriment of those women’s groups.
It reminds me of the fable of the Frog and the Scorpion. For those who missed the story at school that day, it goes a little like this: A Scorpion asks a frog if he can ride on his back across a river. The frog hesitates, knowing the scorpion could easily sting him, and if that happened they would both surely drown. Despite the frogs reservations; he agrees, and carries the scorpion on his back. As they make their way across the river, the frog feels the sting of the scorpion. As they both begin to drown, the frog cries out and asks the scorpion why? And he simply responds ‘It’s my nature’.
An appeal to sensibility and rationality is what led the frog to believe he wouldn’t get stung, and I think the exact same has happened with men infiltrating women’s groups, by presenting themselves harmless, rationale, yet their nature cannot be avoided and often shines through.
How many times has this fable played out in reality? Middle-aged men occupying the headlines and acting as group speaker, all the while claiming to be one of the good ones, only to slowly and creepily edge in their new shade of activism. It’s the exact same premise that apparent self-aware AGPs and cross-dressers claim, in that they aren’t hurting anyone, and that they have a human right to do as they please. All I hear is a new type of justification, to do whatever the fuck they want, regardless of the wider implications.
When you know what validation seeking looks like, it’s hard not to notice the blaring gaps and inconsistencies. How many times have these make shift alliances backfired on women especially?
Women don’t need men in the way men think they do. They don’t need to do anything, but leave them alone. It’s really that simple.
Ideological Inversion (Detrans)
Detrans activism and Trans activism are one of the same; both are marred by identity Politics, with obvious key differences, though the end result is entirely predictable.
Like Trans, Detrans are given a toolkit of who can be safely criticised and who can’t. They do this, by declaring themselves as a status label (i.e. a detransitioner/desistor), which sets in motion the same mechanics that are utilised in trans activism. ‘I am of this ‘status’ therefore you will listen to my authority on this topic.’ Its the same narcissistic temperament that we had in transition, and if you’re asking me, there is not a hint of recovery, just a new set of rules to follow, a new boot to stamp on the faces of your enemies.
It has spawned a new wave of self-identifying people who escaped their trans identity relatively unharmed, most of whom still have their body parts and healthy functions intact.
Whilst I’m not rushing to label myself or anyone else, I find it nothing short of distasteful for individuals without the grief of body loss, to speak on our behalf and profit from it. Allowing people to self-identify their way onto a podium, is one of the reasons on how we got here. Yet, here we are, repeating the same dance.
I’m not a surgeon, urologist, endocrinologist or psychiatrist, and neither are the vast majority of people in this, yet just because they identified or wore an item of clothing typical of the other sex, they can speak on behalf of me and my friends who have all lost years off our lives? No.
The lack of self-awareness and blatant narcissism is frustrating to watch. It’s playing out on social media, with an upswing of videos with the same tired old introductions. “I am X, a detransitioned man/woman and today we’re going to talk about…” To me this is no different from introducing themselves as a trans man or woman, it’s still identity politics, and it tells me everything about that persons stance.
For men in the same scenario I’ve found myself in; we have limited options. You can either find your own way and go solo, you can retransition, adopt a religious belief or become obsessive over Blanchardism and radical feminism. You would be right to say, that with the exception of retransition, those are generally healthier options, though I do worry that people like myself are susceptible to these types of movements, anything that can take us out of ourselves, especially if it alleviates our responsibility in the matter.
I don’t think we need detrans awareness or activism in the way we had in the early 2020s. The lesson is learnt. Men and women are different, and so is how we cope. Women thrive in groups, men don’t, and I think this is one of the reasons why female detransitioners outnumber males by about 4 to 1, as there are many more groups for them to find, yet figuring this all out on your own is extremely tough.
One of the (un)reasonable ones
There are other brands of trans activism that fall for the trap of being ‘one of the good ones’. The first is the true transsexual, who brands themselves as sex realists, who convince others that they knew they’re male, but continue as they are. Whats the difference between the two? Nothing. It’s the same old shit. Buck Angel is a good example of this.
Yet, there is something more obnoxious than the true transsexual. Brianna Wu pivots himself as not only one of the good ones, but one of the reasonable ones, all the while reciting tired old talking points that are nearly as old as the drama in which he constantly refers to as a point of authority (gamer-gate). Not even the prevailing (and increasingly radicalised) trans groups want him, and as a matter of fact he is one of the most blocked on Blue Sky, and that’s saying something.
After inserting himself into online discourse ten years ago, Wu who came out as trans publicly (to no ones surprise), and has since re-appeared on large podcasts and in news articles, all to appeal to an audience that simply doesn’t exist. This was proven by the failure of ‘Dollcast’. Launched several months ago, Dollcast has since fallen flat, with not even 1k subscribers and a trickle of several hundred views per video. Far below what Wu and his co-hosts were anticipating.
There is no demand for this narcissistic supply.
Rather than being a source for insight, reflection and analysis, Dollcast instead is an intolerable circle jerk of validation between Brianna and his co-hosts, who were tactfully selected to help compliment his revitalised appearance. Regardless of the revision surgeries to his face and the notable weight loss (good job btw), Wu continues to project a false image to the world, that he is one of the reasonable ones by virtue of appearance, whilst reducing womanhood to clichés like hair and shopping.
The Dollcast, and by extension Wu; are selling something only they want to buy, validation. Wu is 6ft4 and built like a brick shit house, and no number of surgeries will be enough to mask it. Yet he wants us to believe the same bullshit that was fed to us years ago. He hasn’t learnt a damn thing from his critics, and I suspect it was never about equalising the political spectrum, it was only ever about his validation.
Pro-Trans Detransitioners
The desire to be one of the good ones is not just reserved for gender critical trans and detrans people. There is a tiny number of ‘pro trans detransitioners’ whose advocacy centres trans-inclusion over detransition advocacy itself. Put simply, they make a point of expressing they are not like the others, who they consider to be transphobic.
Previously, news publications would only report on detransition as long as it was a vehemently trans-inclusive story. Ky Schevers is perhaps the most frequently mentioned pro-trans detransitioning retransitioner (what a mouthful).
She’s a young woman who went public about her detransition in 2011 and her subsequent retransition in 2020. Whilst there have been others pro-trans detransitioners, no others have been referenced as much as Ky has in media. Is this because there aren’t any willing to praise their source of regret? I think so.
Ky has written multiple blog posts and essays in medium, and at one point was contactable on twitter. Of course, I was blocked from the get go when I started speaking out in 2022, though I knew of Ky before starting my advocacy journey and even messaged her at one point in 2021.
In her blog, she recalls how she was recruited into radical feminist groups when she detransitioned in 2010. Almost a decade later, Ky not only withdrew but flipped her political stance in the wake of Keira Bell’s court case, which she attributes her as the catalyst for leaving detransition activism.
“it did not make sense to restrict people's access to transgender care just because some of them would later end up detransitioning.”
After this, Ky with her partner Lee, another detransitioner, started their own charity: Health Liberation Now which it’s website describes itself as:
“..a free, trans-run resource analyzing the social and political forces acting in opposition to health liberation for transgender, detransitioned, retransitioned, and gender diverse people, as well as those questioning their gender…”
Ky’s view of detransition advocacy was intrinsically linked to the radical feminist groups which were by nature; deeply critical of all things trans. Because of this it led her to categorise all detrans communities as the same and it has to the scapegoating of the subbredit /r/detrans, which though she was never been involved with, is considered one in the same as the group. That assumption alone has left the subreddit open to constant attack, yet thanks to the tireless efforts of Alex, the senior moderator, it’s managed to stay afloat.
In another essay of Kys, ‘What is ideologically motivated detransition?’ she makes a case that detransition is an ideologically motivated action and a direct outcome of transphobia. She writes:
“To me, ideologically motivated detransition is a way of approaching and understanding trans identity, transitioning and detransitioning from the perspective of a transphobic belief system that frames being trans and transitioning as inherently negative.
According to this ideology, merely identifying as trans for any amount of time is harmful because trans identity is seen as a form of false consciousness and/or mental illness. Identifying as trans and transitioning are framed as maladaptive coping techniques, often cast as a kind of addiction that one can fall back into without proper treatment and support. Transitioning is seen as self-destructive, unsatisfying, and ultimately futile.”
In another of Ky’s Medium posts, ‘My view on transphobic detransitioners’ she provides the reader with reasons to discount any future detransioners, and to ensure they are regarded as fake or untrustworthy. This is all assumed on the basis that they do not have a mirrored experience to her or other trans people, therefore were never really trans.
“However, I find it offensive when such people to claim that their experiences are the same as trans people’s.
Her essays and others like it are worth a read, if not to understand her position but the trans communities, as she has been called upon numerous times to publicly disavow the detrans movement, and is often used as a reliable source and narrator, when she is anything but.
Ky isn’t wrong about certain aspects though. There are individuals who salivate over stories of regret, and either misrepresent our intentions or apply our accounts as cudgels to vulnerable people. And just like Ky, detransitioners do not want to be the cause of harm, yet we are painfully aware that we’ve been harmed and do not want others to get hurt. This is why we tell our stories, to prevent others from being harmed. But Ky and others believe that by telling our stories we are contributing to the harm. In my opinion, silence serves no one, least of all yourself.
Lucy is another young woman who classifies herself as a pro-trans detransitioner. She has attempted to launch her own detrans movement, even with its own symbol, a dolphin 🐬 as opposed to the widely used lizard emoji 🦎 that many detransitioners adopt like a new trans flag, though is considered a transphobic hate symbol these days. Though, it never did take off. I wonder why?
In her video she refers to me personally as her ‘opp’ (opponent).Late last year, she made a video commenting on a documentary we were both part of (dutch documentary “Transitiespijt”.) Until I came across her TikTok page (for the purpose of this Substack piece), I had no idea she viewed me this way, and I began to ask myself why? I realised, It’s not what i’ve said, but what I haven’t said, and who i had talked to. Yet, this notion didn’t start with the likes of Lucy, it has its origins in trans activism and with misinformation efforts by activist Erin Reid, and others, detransitioners like myself have been unfairly libelled to an astounding degree.
Since the documentary aired in October 2024, the over arching impact has said to have been negative against the Dutch trans community, as is claimed by her own TikTok Audience, even to the point where she’s attempting to explain why her participation was a good thing.
Despite being told to ‘shut up about detransition’, Lucy continues to paint a positive light and attempt to join detrans as part of the trans community. There is no finer example of worshipping your abuser than this.
In seeking to understand Lucys position, I was struck that how in an interview titled ‘The Detransitioner Panic’, Lucy said that she could “not turn her back on the community that held her at her lowest”. Like many of us, she would have had unconditional love and support throughout her transition, and no challenges, until she detransitioned.
This is evident in some of her TikTok videos, and as long as she claims that all other public detransitioners are bad, she will have the acceptance she had unconditionally in transition, even to the point where she’s attempted to recreate a detrans movement to fit this notion, but no one is biting.
At this point, she should be asking herself why this is.
Self-censoring
The desire to be validated by your peers is normal. It helps keep us in check socially, and comes from a primal fear of being abandoned by the group. It’s been said that being ejected from the group when humans were hunter gatherers, was a death sentence. That fear does exist, but now translates to a social death sentence, and whilst you can still survive, you are very much alone.
Recently a post on the /r/detrans subreddit titled ‘detrans without being hateful’ appeared. It prompted a reaction I expected. Calm, collected, and fair. Most comments were politely asking the provocateur questions or countering with reason, but non were disrespectful, even though it was clearly designed to antagonise.
i understand some of you have hate in your hearts because of regretting your transition but taking it out on lgbt people/ideals seems hypocritical. work on yourself, find yourself and learn self love. no one held you down and forced the hormones into your body (even though some of you feel that because transition was easier than you thought). i fully transitioned from female to male, top surgery and hormones for years. i realized that did not fit me anymore and transitioned back to female. it’s a long journey but i could never hate someone because being trans did not fit me forever. desist individuals seem to have the most hate despite not medically transitioning. we are all human and hating people because you hated yourself or joined a community that didn’t fit is ridiculous. going down an alt right hateful plot line to cause others pain because you are in pain is nothing but an abusive cycle. we need more detrans spaces that aren’t built on hate, but rather acceptance of people evolving and changing however that looks.”
As someone in pain, the idea your existence is hurting others is deeply distressing. Naturally, those in that position are desperate to correct the record, and remain part of the group, yet as someone who reverts transition, there is a significant risk of being ejected, so instead they find themselves treading very carefully on a minefield of eggshells. The desire to be ‘one of the good ones’ for this crowd is quite strong, and to be fair, you could say the same applied to public detransitioners like myself, though we are far more loathed than loved.
In times of difficulty and complexity, it’s easy to seek out the answer you hoped, Ky and Lucy prove that. You can detransition, even regret it, as long as you do it in accordance with the new rules. First, you must disavow other detransitioners and you must take the blame, no matter the circumstance, but even then the ground is rocky at best.
A Self Critique
For the longest time, I resisted the barrage of accusations that I was harming others by just telling my story. Some claimed my account was enough to restrict services, while others saw me as nothing more than some type of sophisticated misogynist. Either way, there was a yearning to disprove both crowds - to be one of the good ones.
In some ways I was repeating exactly what happened in transition: I found a group that was willing to show me empathy, care, and compassion, but I knew just as they did, that the relationship was conditional, and still is. It was based on the premise of doing right by them, and saying the right things, whilst demonstrating the corrects beliefs through a vicious trial of questioning and interrogation.
I like to think that, if I ever had a message in this its ‘you’re mistakes don’t define you, learning or not learning from them does though.’ And in all the time I’ve been public, especially during my break, I’ve come to understand just how fruitless playing piggy in the middle is.
What always struck me, was how similar the opposing ideological groups are to each other. Within those crowds you have some who act as figure heads with a crowd of a-paths ready to do their bidding, even without asking them to. There are similar personality types, those who are terminally online, narcissistic and employ pressure tactics like gaslighting, backfooting, and in some cases love bombing. To some, young men are nothing more than an easy target, here to answer for the crimes of the other, for their own mistakes too, yet the same treatment isn’t equally applied elsewhere, and with that, there is no chance for redemption, so many don’t bother trying to learn. Why would you, if you’re going to be characterised as one of the bad ones?
Attempting to please both groups, I would often find myself holding my tongue, like when a ‘transsexual ally’ would insist how much it worked for them, but not for me, as if I was some sort of unfortunate anomaly. Alternatively, those who resist identity politics; have used stories of regret to prove a narrative that isn’t quite true or neglects certain facts.
Activists who present themselves as ‘one of the good ones’, do so by discrediting others, often by comparing their history with someone who regretted transition. It’s less about listening to people like myself, and more about validation. Because being validated is not only a human desire, it’s a major pull for those who wish to present themselves as one of the good ones.
Whilst I’m more neutralised in my views these days, I will never be able to see men as anything but men, and women as women, no matter the surgeries or the hormones. I can no longer pretend to play along with pronouns or make believe with grown ass adults, and I certainly won’t play along that surgery is just someone’s choice. I’ve more than earned the right to say how i feel about it. To me, it’s a fast track to pain and misery, and its so insanely cruel, experimental and filled with false hope and misinformation, it’s beyond unfair. Its awful realising you fucked up, let alone trusting surgeons and psychatristists that really don’t give a shit about you.
So, where has this left me? Jaded would be the right word. I’m slowly coming to terms that future looks rather hellish. Yeah, I was a fucking idiot and never should have done it, and I’ve said it more than enough. What’s done is done, and I have no time for walking on eggshells, but I won’t be a dick about it either.
What about the good ones?
Regardless of the ideological perspective, when it comes to trans, detrans, radfems, there can be no good ones, and why should there be? Adults can agree to disagree, learn and change perspective, but anyone who pivots themselves as your ally whilst representing your enemy is manipulating you.
For some, the only reasonable or ‘good one’ is someone who completely capitulates, and agrees to everything, no matter the detriment. In discourse, this creates a no-mans land of those who are regretful of transition, but locked in a life that if they were to uproot, would cause more distress than they would seek to solve, which has not been fully realised yet.
Being ‘one of the good ones’ demands a level of ideological purity that is impossible to maintain. It requires constant self-policing, self-censorship, and a willingness to overlook contradictions for the sake of acceptance. Ultimately, it’s a futile pursuit, because the goalposts always move.
Navigating through the fine line of being a patsy and doing the right thing by your own moral stances, is extremely difficult, especially in a topic that comes with such polarising pain and suffering.
You can never be good enough for everyone, and that’s because, at its core, this entire discourse—whether it’s trans, detrans, gender critical, or any other movement—is fundamentally about control. Control over narratives, control over who is allowed to speak, control over who is granted legitimacy. And if you’re not fully in alignment, you’re out.
The irony is that this is the same exact structure that fuels the very systems so many of us sought to escape. Whether it was the rigid rules of gender transition, the expectations of identity-based activism, or the gatekeeping of detransition spaces, the mechanics are identical. The only thing that changes is the branding.
So, what’s the answer? I don’t know if there is one. Maybe the best approach is to stop worrying about ideological purity and just say what’s true, even if it means you’re hated by all sides. Maybe it’s realizing that no label, no movement, no community will ever fully encompass your experience. Maybe it’s about being okay with standing alone, because at least then, you’re standing on something real.
Just a thought.
Thank you for reading
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What a quagmire the world of trans and detrans has become. This insightful article has the quality of bad dreams where nothing seems right but you can’t wake up.
You will never know I exist unless you read this comment. I watched you on Andrew Gold's Heretics, and having now watched all his interviews, yours has to be in my top 3. The main feeling for me was 'what a completely likeable person' although I felt personally wounded by your story, as I do every single time I see some poor person has had a body part removed in an attempt to cut off their pain.
I have since read your name, in a positive light, dozens of times. You are more loved than you think, because I reckon there are hundred of people like me, who just haven't commented to tell you so ❤️
I stand alone, with you