I really appreciate your honesty and willingness to share your story. I’ve read that because of the nature of the neurological changes that happen during adolescence (such as with stronger dopamine responses), teens can become addicted much more quickly than adults. On top of that, the developing teen brain is primed to be extremely sensitive to connection with and approval of their peers. It seems like the internet in general, and online trans spaces in specific, provide ideas to become addicted to and access to peer approval in an amount and intensity that no adolescent brain was every designed to be able to naturally manage. It’s like teens are being exposed to fentanyl intensity levels of this every time they go into these spaces online.
Thanks so much for sharing this. I too suffer with Pure O and now my theme has morphed from Harm OCD to Trans OCD, except by proxy, as my intrusive thoughts all centre on what might happen to my trans-identified daughter (who is autistic). It seems to me, one central feature of OCD obsessions is they deal with 'what ifs' and usually the fact that the scenarios are so implausible offers some sort of comfort to the sufferer, but in this case, thanks to a mass delusion, the thoughts are made plausible and the sufferer is aided and abetted in their fears to realise them. I strongly believe that, child or adult, no one should be allowed to transition if they present OCD, autism, ADHD, if they have suffered with childhood trauma, if they are depressed or anxious... Yet somehow transitioning is presented as the very answer to these conditions, a kind of panacea rather than the medically irreversible literalisation of a collective fantasy. As usual you write so thoughtfully, expressively and honestly about what are extremely difficult subjects to deal with.
Why should you get to decide if someone else can transition no matter what may or may not be going on in their head? Why do detrans activists and parents delight in taking away people's agency? It is paternalistic and insulting, it forces people like me to transition and hide it from my parents because it is somehow okay for you to control our expression and gender.
There's no delight, paternalism or intention to insult in this. I'm coming from a perspective of sheer terror at what could lie in store for my daughter, and indeed for a whole generation of young confused kids, thanks to the efforts of the trans lobby and Big Pharma.
I think she is arguing the medical establishment should offer alternatives. A bit like offering an alternative to lobotomies or sectioning. I see you are banned.
For some, it could be OCD; for others, it could be body dysmorphia (BDD), personality disorder, or, for many girls during puberty, anxiety and depression. Little kids who still believe in Santa Claus and Tooth fairy it could be just their imagination and a pretend game that they think they play with their teacher. For all of the victims of trans-scam, except maybe 0.001% of males and 0.0006% of females, gender dysphoria is a symptom of a problem that must be solved by proper therapy. Irreversible medical interventions can only make the problem worse. But people are nothing but money-making machines for the scammers who push gender 'identity' on everyone starting from kindergarten kids. These scammers profiteer by destroying people's bodies during the most vulnerable periods of these people's lives, and because they have strong representation among high-ranked politicians and the corporate media, they don't feel afraid of being held accountable. This is why you, @TullipR, other detransitioners, and their parents are so important. Your bravery and willingness to speak up could be the only power to stop the scammers. Hopefully, the day when the Gender Clinics lawsuit will come soon enough, so all those guilty of misdiagnosing, mistreatment, and silencing their victims will pay for what they did. https://www.grandviewresearch.com/industry-analysis/us-sex-reassignment-surgery-market
Thank you for your substack. I have read it all and I have listened to some of your podcast work too.
I am sorry to see that you are getting grief in the comments section, but I am impressed by your honesty and bravery in relating your experiences, even knowing that it may cause you problems. I have not read many detrans male perspectives and your writing is powerful.
I am also surprised by how relatable parts of what you are saying is to me. I really struggled with coming to terms with my sexual orientation, I remember those night time prayers, and the tears, I spent time wondering if trying to be a woman was a better life than being gay ... I never had dysphoria, but a lot of the things you are saying has resonance, particularly in this and your lost boys articles.
I also lost myself on the early internet, I also came across those men, some supportive and to who I remain grateful, some most definitely not ...
I think I am a very similar age to you, and live in a similar part of the world. I remember with those night time prayers I wondered how many other gay boys up and down the country were thinking the same thing at the same time as me. It seems at least one.
You talk about rebuilding and new spaces. What do you think is needed? What could help?
And yeah, I used to think it was a just me thing, but apparently not...I'm glad you posted because it lets me know that I'm not alone in this, so thank you.
We need more engagement in the local community, all over. We get so caught up in on the wider message that we often overlook our own doorstep, and thats what we should be focusing on first.
By local community do you mean local LGBT organisations and people? Which is the impression I get from your "how to rebuild and move on" essay.
I am entirely behind you on the issues with the wider picture and the politics obscuring the individual.
I come at this issue from a gay perspective, and detransitioners seem to have access to few supports, or advocates, LGBT organisations seem to find the existence of detransitioners difficult to the point where they do not cater at all, or simply deny that you exist, yet many (?most) of you will be same sex attracted ...
As for being alone, I suspect quite a few experiences are shared with quite a lot of gay men ... but talking about these kinds of things is a part of a strange taboo amongst us ... It is now I am in my 30s that a couple of friends have opened up about how difficult they found their youth, despite me having known some of them since they were teens ...
Thank you for this article, your insights are very helpful for understanding where some people in this are coming from. Many of your articles have been incredibly informative and helpful!
I hope you're not revisiting the pain too much, although people are grateful for your help, we also want you (everyone in your shoes) to be thriving!!! It's time you were treated with care!
I'm dismayed people are criticizing you. People considering medical intervention have a right to understand all aspects of it and the medical community won't tell people much about detransition right now, just a few papers, I'm so very glad you are doing it! You're also giving different information than what is found elsewhere; there is so little known.
OMG you are an INCREDIBLE writer. I can’t imagine how you pulled off writing your own complex story with such clarity. I was gripped to read to end.
Please consider sending some printed copies to sympathetic law makers, or magazines (economist hasn’t flinched from detransition, and helen joyce writes for them I think), or the spectator, A journal for therapists… don’t know which that would be… LGB alliance… you also have every right to bring a case against the NHS for their failure to properly evaluate and now their refusal to treat unless you go to a gender clinic, even though you are gay not trans!
Have you ever contacted PACE in london? Not sure if they’re captured now, but I was involved in the 90s when it was L&G.
Sorry to go all advicy on you, but you are so talented and so deserving of support and having your story HEARD.
Your point about childhood trauma is really into something. We think of trauma as major events, which they can be, but seeing them through adult eyes and with decades more of life under our belt can minimise an experience which to a child under 10 or even under 15 WAS trauma at the time. A relative dying, bullying, moving school, divorce. Without the resilience that only comes through years of life, children are traumatised in subtle, blink-and-you-miss-it ways and it is of course impossible for a parent to be aware of every possible issue, and even then, what to do about it (if there is anything).
Thank you for your searing introspection. As you look back - what external circumstances could have been different that would have led to a more desirable different outcome? For example, having your family say its ok to be gay, or maybe less (or no) internet time, a more rigorous screening process before surgery, greater recognition and protection from groomers or pro-trans encouragement? How would you rewrite the script - without changing the essence of what makes you who you are - that would change the outcome? What would have been the most optimal environment for you to have been raised? What advice would you give to a teenage you?
Thank you for continuing to share your story. Do you think you ever wanted to become a woman. I’m trying to understand what you were going through, hearing about your OCD and your conflicts with your sexuality helps. Just curious.
You were never speaking in good faith. Your goal is to make transitioning as difficult as possible. I am not sure how to have a conversation on here, I will see.
What is this drivel? "Trans OCD" is not a real medical or psychological condition, you are making it up. You say trans people are obsessed with gender but all you write about are your experiences as a detransitioner. So you have "detrans OCD"? Do I have "woman OCD"? You are spreading harm that will hurt many.
First of all, unlike trans-advocates who shove their beliefs down everyone's throats, @TullipR doesn't insist that no trans people exist and no one could benefit from medical transitioning. Your statement "You are spreading harm that will hurt many" is nothing but a rude accusation.
Second, it's known that gender dysphoria has strong association with many psychiatric conditions which, without obvious monetary incentives of medical transition, would serve as a rad flag for every decent psychiatrist. As a "proud mother of trans daughter" you may have reasons to believe that you helped your child by affirming your trans daughter identity. It's possible that your trans daughter really belongs to 0.002% of males and 0.0006% of females with gender dysphoria as a primary condition. However, If I were you, I would take detransitioners' words seriously. When trans-hype will be over, your trans-daughter will grow up to regret transitioning, you must be ready to face all the consequences of your actions.
These thoughts follow a theme, therefore 'Trans OCD' is an absolutely valid psychological condition, which is being exacerbated by the current gender ideology propaganda this generation of young people are so susceptible to. Tulip is doing the opposite of causing harm. He is trying to prevent the harm on an unimaginable scale. Please stop trolling him.
"Gender ideology" is no more or less than letting people express themselves and their sense of gender. Trans people are not being "harmed", transition helps dysphoria and most trans people will not choose to be cis no matter how much you want them. You will not erase them. "Detrans" activists need to be shut down before they poison trans people with their bioessentialist ideas. Being dysphoric and believing that you cannot do anything about it because transitioning would be "wrong" or "ideological" sounds incredibly painful and lonely. That's probably why they never stop talking about it.
No I will never stop supporting trans joy, trans experiences, trans expression. You cannot change who they are.
Unimaginable harm is being caused with experimental treatment. Young women going through menopause in their late teens, early twenties, brittle bones, underdeveloped organs, non-existant sexual function, how dare you say that our stories cause unimaginable harm.
I really appreciate your honesty and willingness to share your story. I’ve read that because of the nature of the neurological changes that happen during adolescence (such as with stronger dopamine responses), teens can become addicted much more quickly than adults. On top of that, the developing teen brain is primed to be extremely sensitive to connection with and approval of their peers. It seems like the internet in general, and online trans spaces in specific, provide ideas to become addicted to and access to peer approval in an amount and intensity that no adolescent brain was every designed to be able to naturally manage. It’s like teens are being exposed to fentanyl intensity levels of this every time they go into these spaces online.
Brilliantly put! I think young adults and teens who are perpetually online are the most susceptible.
Thanks so much for sharing this. I too suffer with Pure O and now my theme has morphed from Harm OCD to Trans OCD, except by proxy, as my intrusive thoughts all centre on what might happen to my trans-identified daughter (who is autistic). It seems to me, one central feature of OCD obsessions is they deal with 'what ifs' and usually the fact that the scenarios are so implausible offers some sort of comfort to the sufferer, but in this case, thanks to a mass delusion, the thoughts are made plausible and the sufferer is aided and abetted in their fears to realise them. I strongly believe that, child or adult, no one should be allowed to transition if they present OCD, autism, ADHD, if they have suffered with childhood trauma, if they are depressed or anxious... Yet somehow transitioning is presented as the very answer to these conditions, a kind of panacea rather than the medically irreversible literalisation of a collective fantasy. As usual you write so thoughtfully, expressively and honestly about what are extremely difficult subjects to deal with.
Why should you get to decide if someone else can transition no matter what may or may not be going on in their head? Why do detrans activists and parents delight in taking away people's agency? It is paternalistic and insulting, it forces people like me to transition and hide it from my parents because it is somehow okay for you to control our expression and gender.
There's no delight, paternalism or intention to insult in this. I'm coming from a perspective of sheer terror at what could lie in store for my daughter, and indeed for a whole generation of young confused kids, thanks to the efforts of the trans lobby and Big Pharma.
I think she is arguing the medical establishment should offer alternatives. A bit like offering an alternative to lobotomies or sectioning. I see you are banned.
For some, it could be OCD; for others, it could be body dysmorphia (BDD), personality disorder, or, for many girls during puberty, anxiety and depression. Little kids who still believe in Santa Claus and Tooth fairy it could be just their imagination and a pretend game that they think they play with their teacher. For all of the victims of trans-scam, except maybe 0.001% of males and 0.0006% of females, gender dysphoria is a symptom of a problem that must be solved by proper therapy. Irreversible medical interventions can only make the problem worse. But people are nothing but money-making machines for the scammers who push gender 'identity' on everyone starting from kindergarten kids. These scammers profiteer by destroying people's bodies during the most vulnerable periods of these people's lives, and because they have strong representation among high-ranked politicians and the corporate media, they don't feel afraid of being held accountable. This is why you, @TullipR, other detransitioners, and their parents are so important. Your bravery and willingness to speak up could be the only power to stop the scammers. Hopefully, the day when the Gender Clinics lawsuit will come soon enough, so all those guilty of misdiagnosing, mistreatment, and silencing their victims will pay for what they did. https://www.grandviewresearch.com/industry-analysis/us-sex-reassignment-surgery-market
Thank you for your substack. I have read it all and I have listened to some of your podcast work too.
I am sorry to see that you are getting grief in the comments section, but I am impressed by your honesty and bravery in relating your experiences, even knowing that it may cause you problems. I have not read many detrans male perspectives and your writing is powerful.
I am also surprised by how relatable parts of what you are saying is to me. I really struggled with coming to terms with my sexual orientation, I remember those night time prayers, and the tears, I spent time wondering if trying to be a woman was a better life than being gay ... I never had dysphoria, but a lot of the things you are saying has resonance, particularly in this and your lost boys articles.
I also lost myself on the early internet, I also came across those men, some supportive and to who I remain grateful, some most definitely not ...
I think I am a very similar age to you, and live in a similar part of the world. I remember with those night time prayers I wondered how many other gay boys up and down the country were thinking the same thing at the same time as me. It seems at least one.
You talk about rebuilding and new spaces. What do you think is needed? What could help?
<3 sorry to hear you also fell prey to predators
And yeah, I used to think it was a just me thing, but apparently not...I'm glad you posted because it lets me know that I'm not alone in this, so thank you.
We need more engagement in the local community, all over. We get so caught up in on the wider message that we often overlook our own doorstep, and thats what we should be focusing on first.
By local community do you mean local LGBT organisations and people? Which is the impression I get from your "how to rebuild and move on" essay.
I am entirely behind you on the issues with the wider picture and the politics obscuring the individual.
I come at this issue from a gay perspective, and detransitioners seem to have access to few supports, or advocates, LGBT organisations seem to find the existence of detransitioners difficult to the point where they do not cater at all, or simply deny that you exist, yet many (?most) of you will be same sex attracted ...
As for being alone, I suspect quite a few experiences are shared with quite a lot of gay men ... but talking about these kinds of things is a part of a strange taboo amongst us ... It is now I am in my 30s that a couple of friends have opened up about how difficult they found their youth, despite me having known some of them since they were teens ...
Yes, men and women charities too, not just LGBT - especially those that cater for mental health
Thank you for this article, your insights are very helpful for understanding where some people in this are coming from. Many of your articles have been incredibly informative and helpful!
I hope you're not revisiting the pain too much, although people are grateful for your help, we also want you (everyone in your shoes) to be thriving!!! It's time you were treated with care!
I'm dismayed people are criticizing you. People considering medical intervention have a right to understand all aspects of it and the medical community won't tell people much about detransition right now, just a few papers, I'm so very glad you are doing it! You're also giving different information than what is found elsewhere; there is so little known.
Thank you!
OMG you are an INCREDIBLE writer. I can’t imagine how you pulled off writing your own complex story with such clarity. I was gripped to read to end.
Please consider sending some printed copies to sympathetic law makers, or magazines (economist hasn’t flinched from detransition, and helen joyce writes for them I think), or the spectator, A journal for therapists… don’t know which that would be… LGB alliance… you also have every right to bring a case against the NHS for their failure to properly evaluate and now their refusal to treat unless you go to a gender clinic, even though you are gay not trans!
Have you ever contacted PACE in london? Not sure if they’re captured now, but I was involved in the 90s when it was L&G.
Sorry to go all advicy on you, but you are so talented and so deserving of support and having your story HEARD.
Thank you, that's a very kind and encouraging thing to read :)
I would if I had the energy believe me :) xx
Your point about childhood trauma is really into something. We think of trauma as major events, which they can be, but seeing them through adult eyes and with decades more of life under our belt can minimise an experience which to a child under 10 or even under 15 WAS trauma at the time. A relative dying, bullying, moving school, divorce. Without the resilience that only comes through years of life, children are traumatised in subtle, blink-and-you-miss-it ways and it is of course impossible for a parent to be aware of every possible issue, and even then, what to do about it (if there is anything).
Thank you for your searing introspection. As you look back - what external circumstances could have been different that would have led to a more desirable different outcome? For example, having your family say its ok to be gay, or maybe less (or no) internet time, a more rigorous screening process before surgery, greater recognition and protection from groomers or pro-trans encouragement? How would you rewrite the script - without changing the essence of what makes you who you are - that would change the outcome? What would have been the most optimal environment for you to have been raised? What advice would you give to a teenage you?
Thank you for continuing to share your story. Do you think you ever wanted to become a woman. I’m trying to understand what you were going through, hearing about your OCD and your conflicts with your sexuality helps. Just curious.
I didn't want to become a woman, i wanted to escape becoming a man.
Wow, a beautiful and succinct statement! I am wishing the best for you.
Brave of you to censor any trans-supportive comments. Are all "detrans" activists so cowardly?
How is this good faith when you lay insults like call me a bell end.
If you want a proper conversation we can talk if you like?
You were never speaking in good faith. Your goal is to make transitioning as difficult as possible. I am not sure how to have a conversation on here, I will see.
How did you come to that conclusion I'm not speaking in good faith?
We could have a private conversation on Twitter if you like, my DM's are open @TullipR
What is this drivel? "Trans OCD" is not a real medical or psychological condition, you are making it up. You say trans people are obsessed with gender but all you write about are your experiences as a detransitioner. So you have "detrans OCD"? Do I have "woman OCD"? You are spreading harm that will hurt many.
Imagine a detransitioner writing about their experiences of detransition. Brilliant.
Also please see:
https://www.aaceclinicalcasereports.com/article/S2376-0605(20)30602-7/fulltext#%20
https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.644114/full
https://www.aaceclinicalcasereports.com/article/S2376-0605(20)30603-9/fulltext
Tulip, you are saving lives. Keep on writing, you have a big audience.
Don't have time for this please see https://twitter.com/ErinInTheMorn/status/1510327925144440835?t=vTZzr953uv4pI2rJIo3NbQ&s=19
"don't have time for peer reviewed studies, please see this twitter status instead"
Really Rose?
First of all, unlike trans-advocates who shove their beliefs down everyone's throats, @TullipR doesn't insist that no trans people exist and no one could benefit from medical transitioning. Your statement "You are spreading harm that will hurt many" is nothing but a rude accusation.
Second, it's known that gender dysphoria has strong association with many psychiatric conditions which, without obvious monetary incentives of medical transition, would serve as a rad flag for every decent psychiatrist. As a "proud mother of trans daughter" you may have reasons to believe that you helped your child by affirming your trans daughter identity. It's possible that your trans daughter really belongs to 0.002% of males and 0.0006% of females with gender dysphoria as a primary condition. However, If I were you, I would take detransitioners' words seriously. When trans-hype will be over, your trans-daughter will grow up to regret transitioning, you must be ready to face all the consequences of your actions.
As Tulip patiently explains, Pure OCD is characterised by unwanted, intrusive thoughts. https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/symptoms-of-ocd/
These thoughts follow a theme, therefore 'Trans OCD' is an absolutely valid psychological condition, which is being exacerbated by the current gender ideology propaganda this generation of young people are so susceptible to. Tulip is doing the opposite of causing harm. He is trying to prevent the harm on an unimaginable scale. Please stop trolling him.
"Gender ideology" is no more or less than letting people express themselves and their sense of gender. Trans people are not being "harmed", transition helps dysphoria and most trans people will not choose to be cis no matter how much you want them. You will not erase them. "Detrans" activists need to be shut down before they poison trans people with their bioessentialist ideas. Being dysphoric and believing that you cannot do anything about it because transitioning would be "wrong" or "ideological" sounds incredibly painful and lonely. That's probably why they never stop talking about it.
No I will never stop supporting trans joy, trans experiences, trans expression. You cannot change who they are.
'Detrans activists need to be shut down'. Cancel culture, much?
Unimaginable harm is being caused with experimental treatment. Young women going through menopause in their late teens, early twenties, brittle bones, underdeveloped organs, non-existant sexual function, how dare you say that our stories cause unimaginable harm.