A Message for Parents Redux

Advice for Parents whose adult children who identify as Trans

Nov 11, 2024

Just over two years ago, I published an advice piece for parents of adult children who were in the process of transitioning. I shared this with the hopes that my experience could help struggling parents and on reflection, I felt that whilst some of the messages still stand, I don’t feel like it was entirely helpful, and wanted to rectify that with a republished version.

Please note, the target audience of this piece is for parents of young adult transitioners, specifically young men. Whilst some of this advice could be applied to parents of young women, my main focus is on the one area I have personal experience with; male transition.

Preamble

Whether your kid is 18, 25 or 40, you know in your heart when something is wrong. Especially now they’re hellbent on this new idea of transition, being born in the wrong body, and they’re spending most their time alone and seem on edge, bordering on hostile.

It would be prudent to accept that not all who pursue this path will face destruction, some may even cope better, and some do. As long as they’re not breaching boundaries or doing harm to themselves, what’s the issue? Right?

Yet, you know, just as well as I do, that if you’re reading this, its highly like your son or daughter doesn’t fit into that group. They’ve became more withdrawn than usual, combative, secretive and are deeply insistent, if not obsessed about the idea of transition.

Any loving parent would be worried, and it’s perfectly reasonable to want to prevent them heading straight into catastrophe. So, regardless of where you are in this process, I hope you find this piece useful. Please let me know in the comments.

1. Don’t Give up and Stay In Touch

No matter what they say or what they do, never break contact. Take a step back by all means, and know that you are not a punching bag, physically or emotionally.

It’s alarming just how many parents tolerate physical abuse from their children, and you need to understand that is completely unacceptable, and should not be tolerated. It’s extremely important for your own safety and sanity, to not normalise or accept any type of abuse.

That being said, outside being downright physically abusive, I did have an immature expectation, that my pain and suffering should take precedence, and at times viewed both my parents with resentment, which in hindsight wasn’t only immature, but unfair.

As an adult, my mother could do nothing but gently prod, and raise her concern, even though she realised I was hell bent on transition. There was nothing she could say to stop me, and as hurtful as that was for her, she stood by and it made the world of difference. Despite going through with surgery, and realising all the fears you fear now, including regret; she was there, and still is. She didn’t tell me she told me so, she was just there. If you think that didn’t make a difference, you’re wrong. I would have very easily succumb to my own stupidity and grief if it were not for her.

Some of your kids will go the length I did, and it’s important to know that if that happens, you are still there for them. Because after doing something so severe, it’s very easy to slip off the edge, especially with no more barriers in place.

The choice was mine at the end of the day, but I wonder what would have happened if I had a conversation with the others in my family who had cut contact. It’s why keeping in contact, and not just with you, but wider family remains an important step.

2. Get Support

If you really want to help anyone, you must help yourself first, and that includes making sure you have the resilience to go through what is likely to be one of the most stressful experiences of your life. If you can, lean on family, friends, but whatever you do, it’s imperative you get support, online or off.

Fortunately there are far more resources for parents out there then ever before, but also a lot of dead-ends and snake oil salesman, who promise solutions and methods that won’t really help in the long run.

There are numerous groups out there who provide peer support for free, and it’s imperative you do not do this alone.

Contact a Parent non-profit charity/group such as Our Duty, Bayswater Support and Partners for Ethical Care, or visit other sub stacks from the many number of other parents and groups out there.

3. The Best Advice is Free

This cannot be solved with money, or with a clever programme of interventions. There are no expert secrets, nor are their any golden phrases that can but uttered to snap someone out of wanting to transition, but there are steps you can take to improve communication, self-esteem and build confidence. That is key to moving forward through this.

It may be tempting to sign up for one on one coaching, and whilst there maybe some helpful elements out there, be aware. There are people out there who actively exploit vulnerable parents.

The best advice is free, check out the many seminars out there on the managing conflict, estrangement and if you want to know about this topic, there are a variety of discussions out in the ether.

4. Forget Debating Them

When i first transitioned, I fully bought into the belief that I was trans, and any counter point I came across I could dismiss, either with a perfectly recited argument, sprouting stats that didn’t mean anything, all with an attempt to bamboozle a layman into intellectual submission. I learned the material inside out, and became well versed at debate. When I started talking about brains and neurology, I felt because I read a few articles and watched a few videos; I was suddenly an expert.

I was a good salesman, because I believed in the lie. I was calm, confident and with a zealous fever I felt in my heart of hearts, I was right, and not only that, but I viewed myself as a greater authority on the topic than anyone else, especially my parents.

Many of us spend the early days of our transition checking in with others online, to validate and refine our arguments. In my experience, I find that this is partly down to becoming fixated, and also to intellectualise complex or difficult feelings of shame, self-loathing and rejection. These are no small feelings either, and may have been built up over the years. Some of us either never leave those spaces or go through a cycle of jumping from one to another.

As much as you may have read on this matter, I can assure you, that your adult son or daughter has read far more, fixated and obsessed to a degree that makes what you’ve uncovered seem minimalistic by comparison. Transition for many, is not just a fixation, but an obsession.

5. Build your Self Esteem/Confidence

You’re probably worried, terrified even, but if your kid, no matter how old they are, see you in distress, they will very likely clam up and shut down. They will either become resentful or attempt to placate you or they may simply go quiet.

You must be confident, and you must build your self-esteem. This is the basis of all resilience. And I will say, it’s not fair being a parent, I get that, but trust me, self-confidence and self-esteem rub off just as much as low self-esteem. It’s very difficult to open up to someone whose in a vulnerable state, but it’s far easier if they are in a confident position. Building your self-esteem will put you in a better position to be confident when the time comes.

And I know you may hear this a lot, but taking time out for yourself is imperative. Be sure to mark out at least an a few hours every week to do an activity just for you, whether its binge watching a TV show, reading or going for a walk. Whatever it is, you need an outlet!

6. Act as a Mirror

It’s very easy to argue semantics or score points in a battle of intellect, but its extremely difficult to argue with how someone experiences another person. So rather than asking what’s wrong when they look unhappy, reflect on their body language, but equally so, if they look bright and happy, tell them! However, this like many other tools is one you should use tactfully.

Asking them what and why they feel a certain way may trigger a defensive stance, but if you ask how something they say feels, it will trigger and introspective stance, and they may begin to vocalise things they’ve never talked about before.

Think about how many times we hear that transition saved someone’s life? I hold no doubt that the option of transition, played a major role in steering someone away from suicidal idealisation, but what led to that point were a series of escalations. Some of these would have occurred online, some offline, regardless they already feel that they are in some ways beyond the point of no return, even before medical intervention. It’s also highly likely there would have been many years of dealing with untreated psychological distress, with complex layers, and it is quite normal for people suffering with a range of different issues, to reduce these down to simple concepts like ‘being born in the wrong body’. It gives them a perfect out from other things like shame, frustration, and isolation.

Because of this, they feel somewhat trapped in, that the only other option is death, hence ‘death before detransition’ from the more radical types. They truly believe that ‘going back’ will kill them, and it’s likely because they associate this with all the stresses mentioned afore.

In short, asking them so they can hear themselves explain it out aloud is more effective than telling them.

7. They may have undiagnosed asperger’s or ADHD

There is a notable link between neurological conditions like Aspergers and ADHD and those who are seeking to transition.

Those on the spectrum, myself included, struggle to keep up with our physical development, and whilst our bodies mature, our minds often drag behind, and in some instances it can take years to be on the same emotional level as our peers. Learning how high functioning autistic people handle conflict may be extremely helpful as a resource.

A diagnosis may not be the saving grace here, but having that understanding could help them understand stimming behaviour, and may improve their decision making skills in the future. It may not act as a guard rail for medical interventions, but could drastically improve their chances in a clinical setting.

8. They may also have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is an overwhelmingly common trait amongst my peers, especially detransitioners. That’s not to say that everyone has it, however, if someone is high up on the autistic spectrum, they may very likely also have OCD.

Despite being diagnosed prior to being enrolled in the Gender Clinic, my OCD was never treat properly. In fact, it was ignored right up until the point i expressed regret, and only became a problem when I was insistent that I was experiencing regret. Nearly eight years after entering the clinic, and being up front with all the issues i was struggling with, I was then refered for OCD.

I don’t just over think, I obsess and ruminate, over every little detail and topic. Obsession begins with fixation, and then gravitates into rumination, so the idea of transition becomes more appealing over time. It also worked in reverse too, obsessing about my choices of transition was certainly pivotal in realising i shouldn’t have done any of it.

My eventual OCD treatment was simply life changing. I saw a psychologist who over the course of around thirty sessions, using Cognitive Behaviour Therapy techniques and Exposure Response Therapy; managed to successfully curb the condition which had ruled my life. However, it was too little too late.

If I had that treatment earlier, i probably wouldn’t have went through surgery. It wasn’t just the gender clinic pushing me, but myself too, who was convinced that part of my body was not only alien, but a weapon. I couldn’t dispel that thought, and it led me to catastrophe, where as now, I see that was largely a symptom of OCD.

9. Let them bring the topic up on their terms

Many others in my position, have often cited how the decision to detransition was organic, and came in conjunction with a set of other minor realisations, such as the limitations of transition, the risks, and the satisfaction levels. Some also realise, as I did, that transition did little to help with the over-arching feeling, and in some ways made it worse.

What’s important is, when the time is right, we will have the discussion with you, but it’s likely you are not the first person to open up to about this particular topic. What’s important is that they have someone to bounce of ideas that isn’t in an echo chamber, sometimes thats a sibling or a childhood friend, and it maybe a roll you simply cannot fill as parent.

10. Struggling using their name? Use terms of endearment instead.

For all of their life, you’ve viewed them as your son or daughter, and now you’re being asked to override that instinct with something alien to you, is it any wonder parents struggle with this? In my transition, my mother made it clear with me that she was going to struggle with the name and pronouns, and that admission helped me realise early on, mistakes were going to be made and it isn’t the end of the world.

Not everyone has this chill though. If you are struggling using their name after a change, try using terms of endearment from the past, perhaps a nick name you used when they were younger.

Some people believe that once you use their trans name or their ‘preferred’ pronouns that you’ve essentially lost them, but I respectfully disagree. I feel there is a vast difference between believing someone is the other sex, and opting for the path of least resistance, do what you need to do, and don’t feel shame for it. Always trust your instincts.

11. They are looking for something you cannot give them

Many parents have reached out over the last two years and have shared strikingly similar stories of how their quiet loving boy, has turned into a rude stranger that now resents them. These parents will tell me how they gave their kid everything, including love and support, but what is often missed from this is the realisation that as young adults we need to get that from our peers, not our parents.

Most of us get those needs met during adolescence and early adulthood, but if your kid is anything like I was, they will already be behind socially, and for lack of a better term will have an arrested development. One of the appeals of online trans spaces is this need for validation and reassurance is given online, on top, 24/7.

Whats important to understand is that their new online communities are providing them with this unconditionally, and are not criticising them. People with low self-confidence, like transitioners, rely on this validation, and community to move forward.

If you are only expressing concern, even critiquing their thought processes, they will view this as hostile and will always be comparing how you treat them, with the seemingly unconditional attention and care they’re getting online, regardless of how fake that care is.

This is why any argument you deliver, no matter how refined; will not work. They are having their needs met superficially. Because of this, these discussions almost always end up in heated arguments, which either end up creating a wider rift, or becoming inhertingly distrustful of the others position.

Understanding this dynamic will fundamentally help you manage the things you can and cannot control, as well as give you the headspace to focus on what you can control

12. Establish Boundaries and Accountability

I’ve previously mentioned how those of us who transition, sometimes rewrite parts of our history or retcon the meaning of past experiences as a means to validate our transition. In doing so, we sometimes reconstruct memories in a way that feels like a truthful recollection, but is either fabricated or misinterpreted to suit our new narratives. If it’s possible, correct the record by saying “I experienced that a different way.”

If a conversation does escalate into screaming and such, the most effective thing is to end the conversation and walk away. A simple “This isn’t constructive.” shows confidence and leadership. You won’t always be able to keep calm, but try remember that when tears and screaming starts, the conversation stops.

13. Understand the role of Detransitioners

It maybe very tempting to contact us and ask for us for help and advice, and I certainly understand why, I think I’d have done the same in your position, but please know that although we want to help you, we may not be the ideal person to talk to regarding prevention.

Public detransitioners are in a state of recovery from transition. We are no more experts than anyone else is, and what makes us relatable is our humanity, suffering and the gift of hindsight, but it’s not always helpful. We did after all walk down this path, so it feels somewhat out of place to be given advice on how to prevent it.

Our strength lies within recovery and resilience. We would like nothing more than to help others, but our power is in telling our stories, what happened to us, rather than educating others on what to do. If we had the answers, we’d certainly share them. Additionally, it’s worth nothing that we are not a cudgel to be used to hit them over the head with, and if used that way, it can have the opposite desired effect, and they may even double down.

As a personal note, I’ve been told by these parents, they don’t want their kid to end up like me. I think what they mean is, they don’t want them to make the same errors I did, but let’s be real; if they ended up like any of the public detransitioners; you’d probably feel a lot more confident about their ability to cope in the future. We are not a pity party, we are a powerhouse.

14. Make Effective use of Our Stories

If you are wondering when the time is right to introduce your kid to detransitioner stories; it’s when they are genuinely questioning themselves unprompted.

Take care when citing our stories, as if they are not ready; it could widen the rift between you. Being exposed to soon can invoke a defensive reaction, where they may examine our stories and pick out anything they do not relate to, as a means to dismiss it completely. However, if they are genuinely curious and worried about regret or considering detransition, the parts that stick out in our stories may resonate strongly and help explain complex feelings they have not articulated.

Prior to my activism, out of all videos I’ve ever seen, Sinead’s video was one that hit home. Sinead is a detrans woman, whose been through hell, but her eloquence, compassion, confidence and diligence on this topic, have helped humanise my detransition in a way I didn’t have before. It helped drew parallels with my own story.

At the time of writing this article, I wasn’t public the way I am now, so I’ll throw mine in for good measure, but i’m guessing if you’re reading this, you may well have already seen it!

15. Some Professionals can actually help

The experts know best, but be sure you’re speaking with an expert. As a general rule, I tend to avoid anyone who self-describes themselves as a therapist, without listing any specialities or training. This is because, therapy is an art-form, not a science, and as such is unregulated and has no shortage of rogue actors. Instead, when involving professionals, especially those in the mental health field; consider psychologists and psychatristists with specific listed skill sets.

Those who have experience with addiction, anxiety disorders and are bonified trauma Specialists, are going to be a million times more effective than a self described person centred therapist.

16. Visit Online Trans spaces, especially Discord and Reddit

Researching what they’re exposing themselves to may give you a good idea of some of the messages, beliefs and arguments that are out there. Obviously, do not stalk or watch your adult children, but instead, look around at the places they may be frequenting, such as reddit. Visit reddit boards like /egg_IRL/ and /AskTransgender/ to see for yourself how group validation can play out online, regardless of whats presented.

This also includes platforms like TikTok, Instagram, X, Discord and the games they play. They will not tell you themselves, they are taught not too.

17. It’s more likely that they are straight or bisexual

Some peddle narratives that we are ‘transing away the gay’, and certainly in some scenarios that is true, however, for the vast majority of people who transition, they will exhibit either bisexual or heterosexual traits, with very few being homosexual.

For most, this is an unusual sexual interest, which can sometimes develop into a full blown paraphilia. These behaviours begin in early puberty and escalate to completion in late adolescence. By the time they become adults, it’s likely to have been long established, and it may never go away.

Whilst some self-awareness is never a bad thing, there is a risk that those who prescribe fully to sexology and theories by Ray Blanchard and Anne Lawrence; that they may use this understanding as a rationale to transition. I have seen first hand, how obsessive ‘self-aware’ paraphilics can be, but not all!

18. Encourage critical thinking, ask open ended questions and use the Steelman technique

If you want them to think critically, you need to do so yourself, and the best way to do so is by leading by example. Rather than forcing your opinion through in the hopes to be heard, ask open ended questions, and remember the power of asking how they came to a conclusion, rather than debating what is being said.

Now all this may seem very tiring, because it is. There is no quick fix I’m afraid, however, there are ways out, it just takes a little elbow grease.

Learning techniques like the Steel man technique, is essential to nurturing good dialogue. Most people don’t have the energy nor the desire to argue rigid beliefs, but explaining their beliefs is easy, because it requires little effort, unlike challenging them.

If a belief is already established, using the Steelman technique is great way to understand how they came to feel a certain way. Remember, you’re not there to argue with their reasoning, but to understand for how they came to that decision.

Note: I’m not asking you to accept something you don’t believe in, but rather understand how they came to believe it themselves. This can fundamentally change your approach going forward, as well as help navigate through the minefield of what you should or shouldn’t say. It’s far easier when they give you the map.

19. Learn about Active Listening and Effective Silence

Silence and active listening are powerful tools. If used correctly, it can show introspection, but most importantly, it can give someone a chance to hear what they’ve said out aloud. This is deeply important, because we often believe or say things we haven’t fully thought about, and it’s only upon hearing ourselves say it out aloud that we can reflect earnestly on what we’ve said.

Often with parents, theres an expectation that you should rescue the conversation if it gets difficult, but if they say something impactful, just a few seconds silence followed by an acknowledgement can be immensely powerful in improving the communication between you and your adult child.

This is the essence of active listening, as it gives you time and space to understand what’s being said. It takes practice to master, but is a wonderful tool to help both you and the other person.

20. Don’t give up, but make a plan

It’s more than probable that your son or daughter may not desist and it’s possible that they may go through with surgery. For some, that maybe a bridge to far, but I would always encourage parents to remember that they are still your flesh and blood, and whether they regret or not, they will definitely need you.

I’m so thankful my mother stood by, if she didn’t, I’d probably not be around to this

Many parents who contact me, feel that they have somehow influenced this outcome. Unless you are a Munchausen parent like Jazz Jennings mother, you are not the driving factor here. And whilst their relationship with you and other family members would have impacted them in some way, there is no single person or reason for someone to transition.

21. Be Good to yourself

Finally, whatever you do, do not give up and be nice to yourself! You are their greatest ally, and if you’re reading, you care a helluva lot.

There is no right or wrong way to approach this topic. Especially if you’re son or daughter is an adult. Regardless, they are still your child, and if theres one thing to take away from my blathering on, it’s trust your gut, you will know what to do when the time is right.

Good luck!

Thank you for reading!

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Ritchie Herron

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