Where is the line?

A reflective essay

As the fog of the culture war fades, and the haze of disinformation dissipates, previously obscured lines have never been clearer.

These battle lines cannot be moved, yet some believe they can. This position is at best; naïve, as it discounts why the fight started to begin with.

In this piece, I will be confronting several issues close to my heart, and will be asking the question: ‘Where is the line?’

---

Accounting for lost lives and limbs

The true horror of this conflict is that the casualties are stacked highly on one side, and we’ve only just begun to count.

A recent study has found that in the US from 2016 to 2019, nearly 50,000 ‘Gender Affirming Care’ surgeries had taken place. Of that group, 7% were aged 18 or under, and 52% were 19 to 30. The most common procedure was breast augmentation and double mastectomies at 56%, followed by genital surgeries at 35%.

Bear in mind, these numbers are only for those years, pre-lockdown, and only for the US. Once we factor in the rest of the world, as well as the last decade, only then can we truly begin to see the scale of destruction at hand.

However, the predominant belief is that all these people are living their best lives, but hard data says otherwise.

As confirmed in the 2011 Swedish Study, someone who transitions is 17 times more likely than the general public to die by their own hand, increasing to 19 times once they have surgeries. But the most significant mortality factor isn’t suicide, it’s strokes, cancer and cardiovascular disease, most likely from a combination of lifestyle and the use of cross-sex hormones.

The rise in children taking these drugs is troubling. Reuters reported that from 2017 to 2021, 14,726 minors in the US started hormones and that this upward trend is repeating in the UK & Europe. However, these numbers still pale in comparison to the number of adults who are taking hormones, with estimates varying wildly at around 50-60% of those who identify as trans or non-binary.

That’s hundreds of thousands if not millions.

These powerful drugs deserve a proper warning label and need to stop being marketed as innocent, harmless, and reversible. They are anything but.

Notably, there is a negative effect on long-term health for both sexes, especially cognitive decline, which again has not been factored in. Add in the use of off-market hormones, sometimes fabricated in unclean conditions, and used in secret, away from any prying eyes and health practitioners; the risks only increase further.

This is one of the many reasons, why I refuse to change the line on my not-twitter bio; “HRT is toxic”. The attack on the body is severe, and even if you take the ‘correct’ sex hormone, it’s still no substitute for the body’s natural production and regulation.

The counterargument is that alleviating the psychological distress outweighs the physical risks, yet I don’t think the risks have been properly weighed.

And yes, these surgeries are destructive, and I’ll repeat something I said months ago. If it was banned globally, I wouldn’t lose a wink of sleep. It should be reserved for the most extreme cases, the most persistent, screened and cared for, but even asking for this isn’t a sign of health.

Nothing is not better than something, and that’s what many of us are left with: a sex which has been lobotomised through scalpels and hormones.

Long-term, unbiased research, as well as caution, is desperately needed. I will not be moved from this line.

---

The Safeguarding Front

For every Munchausen parent, there are hundreds behind them reeling from the devastation that medicalisation has brought to their children’s lives, regardless of their kid’s age.

Outsiders looking in, seem to have forgotten that children are malleable, and easily led astray. To have their developing minds filled with fear and misinformation, especially around puberty is nothing short of cruelty, as is separating parents from decisions concerning their children.

Attempting to paint parents as dangerous to their own child’s interests, and the apparent urgency to separate them; is nothing short of grooming behaviour.

Thankfully, there are many forces out there seeking to undo the damage being done to children, and the public is waking up. Despite the fierce battle being fought in the foreground, I do believe things are changing for the better. Though adults, who make up a vast majority of those who medicalise; are barely a footnote.

Despite the affirmation-centric education systems, children do have a degree of protection, but once they reach that mystical wisdom-pilled age of eighteen, all bets are off. They’re an adult, they can do as they please, right?

Of course they can! But that doesn’t mean you’d let them completely self-destruct or do something that will harm their future. You’d naturally urge caution and try your best to prevent them from making decisions that will harm them, especially if they’re not in the right frame of mind and have existing vulnerabilities.

Parents have been milked of their desperation, led by a carrot-on-stick, with unspoken promises that somehow this will change their situation with their children. And speaking of safeguards, I don’t think mixing parents and desistors is the best idea either. Though I do think it’s important both of our stories reach the public consciousness, I don’t think we can help with any parent’s situation, and they cannot help with ours.

I’m sorry. We’re the ones who went too far, who stepped over the line and now you want to ask us how to stop your own from doing the same? I wish I knew.

During my medicalisation, even at the age of 28, my mother was still looking out for me, knowing all too well the various issues I had faced. As I was being referred for surgery, she wanted to raise valid concerns with the psychiatrist but was shouted down viciously. What can anyone do when a well-qualified medical practitioner is not only telling you you’re wrong, but that by not affirming you’re mentally unwell 28-year-old son as your daughter, he will take his own life?  

Many parents of adult children find themselves in a similar position, knowing that their son/daughter is well beyond the age of any protection and despite their age, they still have vulnerabilities.

Life was anything but stable in transition. I was taking risks with my safety, health and was overcome with substance misuse. The gender clinic knew it all. You see, I believed I was truly transsexual, and to verify this wasn’t a delusion, I declared every single thought and action to them. Despite this, they agreed, that not only was I truly trans, that I was also an ideal candidate for gender reassignment surgeries.

It didn’t matter that I had debilitating obsessive behaviours and ruminations that kept me anxious all day every day, along with a pre-existing diagnosis of OCD. Nor did it matter I was abusing substances, taking extreme risks and coping poorly.

At the very least I should have been sent to a recovery programme and to be properly referred for OCD treatment especially before the consent process could go on. That would be a very simple, straightforward safeguard. One I wish I had.

The conversation doesn’t end there, there’s a lot to be said for safeguarding single-sex spaces, but that is not my battle line, nor my fight.

One of the reasons I focus on recovery, and life after, is that another hard pill to swallow is that some will go far as I have, and only some may come back from the front. And if it’s someone you love dearly, what are you going to do if that is the case? They will need you.

My energies are focused on the forgotten majority. I will hold that line, that safeguards are for everyone and sometimes, they can be as straightforward as the word no.

---

The Battlefield of Discourse

When I first entered the digital battleground of social media, I found myself taking fire from all directions. I was lost in a no-man’s land, taking shelter from the relentless bombardments. Many were unsure if I was friend or foe, so they shot first and asked questions later. It was brutal, and I’ve earned my stripes by now. To this day, I remain hypervigilant, waiting for the next strike. And in that state, I can’t help but notice what’s occurring in the fight around me.

There is an upswing on my side of the line, indiscriminately mocking those injured by medical negligence.

Social media posts highlighting accounts from Reddit and other sources are followed with a wave of inhumane commentary. I always thought we were better, that we were the adults in the room, but it seems that this culture war is bringing out the worst in everyone.

Thinking back to transition, I avoided any online engagement but did observe tepidly. I couldn’t see the points being made, because the barrage was so intense. The belief that shouting and mockery help is highly questionable. I think it has less to do with waking others up and more to do with hitting back, often in bloodlust. When has shouting and screaming, belittling, ever helped encourage discourse or critical thought?

And whilst there may well be a place for mockery, there becomes a point where valid critique becomes straight-up cruelty. Some indiscriminately take snipes at those who are heavily injured, faceless names in the scope of a screenshot.

Of course, once I raise questions about the benefits of conducting ourselves in such a way, I am reminded of the war crimes of others. But these people are mostly faceless names, and whilst I understand the pain, and the desire to hit back, it doesn’t justify the action.

I wish the same fervour was given to those who engineer and push lies, those who sever healthy limbs and stack bodies. Once the scale of destruction has been realised, I think the mockery will quickly turn into existential horror.

We now have an entire generation of people castrated and sacrificed in the name of progress. I don’t think it’s helpful to mock victims, especially those who’ve done nothing to warrant it. And I will raise my eyebrow at those who continue to do so.

This is a line I won’t move from on, and it works both ways.

---

Going AWOL: Viva La Desistance

“How could you do this to your own kind?” From across the way, I still hear cries of betrayal.

Dishonourably discharged by not giving the correct caveats upon my exit, I have already been unduly court-marshalled by an army of accusers.

Like a good little desistor, what I should have done was tell the world that despite my own experiences, transition is right for everyone else, and the mistake is all on me. And that despite my injuries, I still support the cause, like a good desistor.  And they dare call me a bootlicker? Go fuck yourselves.

Regret is unfathomable in light of the war-time propaganda of Tumblr activism. It’s why many people who believe in gender affirmation and transition, still view me as a lapsed transitioner, or some degree of transsexual. Or I’m an apparent fraud and have somehow tricked dozens of mental health professionals into treating me. Naturally, the attacks have been relentless over the years and I’ve certainly been tested.

There is no freedom in speaking when you’re on a leash.

There are enough good reviews out there, and enough people are shouting from the rooftops at how fucking amazing transition and surgeries are. Every time I talk about regret or complications, I’m reminded by gender zealots that ‘most people don’t regret surgery’. Why am I or anyone else in my position expected to give caveats given my experience? Go fuck yourselves.

The hard pill to swallow is that we betrayed ourselves when we sacrificed our minds and flesh to the cause of gender. Forfeiting our name, rewriting our histories to fit this new ideal; that’s the real betrayal. Yet, those who oppose us, often forget that we are veterans ourselves, and have already been in many battles. Desistors are your most formidable opponents, we are the wounded soldiers that came back for more. We shouldn’t be underestimated.

---

Fragile Alliances

Sexology and queer theory are both aligned in their aims. One seeks to normalise taboo through theory, the other through culture change, but they are both one and the same when it comes to breaking well-established boundaries.

Aligning with sexologists isn’t the solution, and whilst I think there are merits in research, I’m always going to be sceptical of any theory that attempts to humanise some of the more troubling paraphilias.  

Some suggest that prescribing to sexology will reduce the number of transitioners, under the premise that understanding their motivations will help them learn not to give in to them. I only see that as another form of affirmation, this time, more direct as it endorses the paraphilia as a condition, like gender dysphoria.

What can be said for one paraphilia, can be said for many others.

There is also an overreliance from apparent self-aware AGPs, that others with paraphilias, can achieve the same level of insight as themselves, that they too can learn boundaries. But once we consider the overlap between autism and paraphilia’s, and factor in that learning difficulties are often prevalent with autism, and offenders, it becomes impractical to suggest that, all people with paraphilia’s will also understand the social contract and the boundaries that come with them.

The theories may be ringing some bells, and a lot of truths, and I do acknowledge that, but there is a strong desire to paint everyone with singular brushes.

The idea of being attracted to men was truly terrifying to me. When I crushed on one of my friends, I did everything I could to undo it, unlearn it, and train myself to be straight.

Engaging with women brought no enjoyment and no reaction, but once I was with a man, my body told me everything I needed to know. The smell, sight and presence forced a smile on my face, in a way I didn’t want to control. Yet, some will argue that despite my lifelong attraction to men, which has persisted since childhood, everything I do is in pursuit of my ‘auto-heterosexuality’.

This explanation feels no different than ‘everything is because of gender dysphoria’, and to me, it takes the nuance out of my experience and attempts to override all the other issues in place of this one single factor. Regardless, they are right in the sense that, sexuality is important and does have a role to play in this, yet their conclusions aren’t strictly correct.

What seems to be getting missed in the conversation in sexology, is it’s very much a ‘how we got here’ conversation, and it’s simply not a priority. No one rushes to ask why a house is on fire as it’s burning. They would be more concerned about putting out the fire. My claim is, and forever will be, that sexology may well have a place in understanding, but it isn’t going to extinguish the flames and release people from the grips of this obsession.

But these aren’t the only fragile alliances in play. As Donovan Cleckely argues in his recent essay, modern transition treatments are akin to conversion therapy, and if one of our rallying calls is that, this is conversion therapy, then how can we reconcile allegiances to those whom it ‘worked for’, or as they may claim, are too far gone.

And what about the ‘good ones’? The truest of the true, the ‘real transsexuals’? I’m sure their distress is real, but quite frankly, when push comes to shove, they do not sit on the lines they claim to. Some expect existing lines to be shifted, just because they agreed with the rallying calls or because they said something ‘based’. It doesn’t take much for that line dancing to stop, and for a tactical retreat to ensue once pushed.

This doesn’t mean for a second, that I can’t be civil with those in transition, but allies? I’m sorry no, you’re still wearing your old uniform. Our values will clash, and desistors and those in transition have done so.

Those who claim to be lost in transition, have never once attempted to desist, and if anything; have tried to place themselves in a position that allows them to continue unperturbed, tapping into the empathy often afforded to those who have left it all behind, at great cost.

Though, it must be said; that I don’t view them as enemies either. The problem with forced teaming and the insistence on allies, is the unspoken notion that, if you’re not an ally, surely you’re an enemy.

Those who call themselves an ally should be viewed with scrutiny, regardless of what they’re being an ally to.

Many of these make-shift alliances were never going to work in the long run, they were always fragile, if not circumstantial. And just because the wider goal may be the same, that doesn’t mean our values are in alignment too.

I don’t want allies, allies can quickly become enemies. It suggests the relationship is based on terms, a common cause or a goal to achieve. It’s not real, and these relationships quickly collapse.

I do not want to be forcibly teamed up and I don’t think that’s an unreasonable line to hold.

---

Final Thoughts

People like myself, have found themselves to be ideal candidates for this movement, and have become nothing more than a new generation of castrates.

This is horrifying, not glorious or liberating.

It’s not just limbs that have been lost. Its relationships, futures, families, careers, marriages and of course; hard-won rights continue to be scattered to the wind.

Though there is suffering, I feel as if we have lost sight of the true enemies, and it’s not as the propaganda posters will have you believe, they are the surgeons, the so-called professionals, legislators and backroom activists who are causing the damage, not those being damaged.

But these are just opinions, and opinions are not mandates.

‘Where is the line?’ is a worthwhile question we should all be asking ourselves, as well as each other.

---

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your ongoing support and reading.

I love hearing from readers, please leave a comment, like and share this article.

Ritchie xo

---