What Detransitioners Actually Need
Detrans Mans opinion on what the detransitioned population really need
When the world fully awakens to the horrors that have been carried out in the name of ‘gender affirmation care’, there will be no pause for celebration, no parades to mark the hard-won victories, only the gaping shock at the sheer number of botched surgeries and unforeseen consequences of cross-sex hormones.
‘Gender-affirming surgeries’ are high-risk, dangerous, and experimental medical procedures, in which their efficacy is often drastically oversold, and has led many people down a path of permanent physical pain and unending suffering.
There is no true reversal, you will never get back what you had to begin with, whether it was a mastectomy, facial feminisation, penile inversion, hysterotomies, or the long-term use of cross-sex hormones.
Behind the scenes, many hundreds of detransitioners who are not in the limelight, are dealing with this new reality, alone and in isolation. Abandoned not only by medical professionals, detransitioners often face a cold reception from the community they once called home and face equally negative reactions from family members who stuck by them. Those who supported their transition are now confused as to why they are now going back after all that.
Many of us are asking; how do we fix this? What are the solutions? And in doing so have attempted to use old solutions to a new problem.
An Emerging Health Crisis
We need experts, and quickly. The links between multiple sclerosis, osteoporosis, dementia, and auto-immunity issues sparked from cross-sex hormones use are rearing their ugly head.
The number of trans men who suffer from fatigue should be cause for alarm in itself. Yet, the link between cross-sex hormones and ailments is never openly acknowledged or discussed, they are treated as unrelated issues. In trans women, the absence of testosterone leaves many feeling fatigued and more susceptible to common illnesses and infections, as well as heightened levels of anxiety and depression, which are all, of course, attributed to transphobia.
Alzheimer’s disease is devastating for anyone, and hearing about stories of trans patients in care homes, who frequently wake up screaming, deeply distressed, and confused about why they’re wearing women’s clothes or don’t have a penis, isn’t just horrifyingly tragic, but deeply worrying.
Those who have been on puberty blockers are finding themselves with underdeveloped organs, hollow bones, and inhibited cognitive development. Mix in the mental health issues that come with this, and we’re beginning to draw a grim picture of the future.
The Medical Leash
Depending on when a person started hormones and for how long will determine whether or not their gonads (if not removed) can restart. For many, it’s a simple case of tapering down their HRT and allowing their body’s natural functions to kick in.
For those like myself, who no longer have gonads, I am reliant on hormone replacement therapy for life. Some have no reservations about switching back to testosterone and feel immediately more healthy, active, and more themselves. Testosterone does however come with facial hair growth, balding, libido increase, and all the other side effects I spent years running away from.
If I hadn’t gone through surgery, this wouldn’t be an issue. No matter what anyone says, not having the genitals I used to is emasculating, but it doesn’t make me a woman either. I’m something else, and though I loathe the word, I am by all definitions a male eunuch, and with that comes its unique challenges.
The bottom line is, the reaction I’ve faced to not wanting to switch to full testosterone is synonymous with the belief that Estrogen and testosterone are the essences of male/female, when in fact we have both, so rather than having one or the other, we should at least have both to some degree.
Idealistically, I’d rather break away from the medical leash, but for someone like me, that is not possible without risking extreme bone density issues. My whole detransition experience in medical care has been far more illuminating at just how little people know, as opposed to the far-cry of affirmation, that is so certain, so positive it eliminates all forms of doubt.
The reality is, we are still learning what the impact of cross-sex hormones on males and females looks like long term, and for the most part, it’s not positive. We need real studies, carried out by academics with no personal stake one way or the other.
Sex-specific-based requirements are amplified in detransition. Whilst male and female detransitioners have unending respect and empathy for each other, the paths that brought them here are fundamentally different. Whether it’s addressing their mental issues or health requirements, our requirements are very clearly defined by our sex.
Surgery Fatigue
Most of us never want to see a scalpel ever again, and there is a running misconception held about detransitioners, that we somehow desire ‘reversal’ surgeries.
For detrans men, not one of us who had a penile inversion is interested in phalloplasty or any other type of Frankenstein-Esque ‘reversal’ procedures. We are more concerned about functionality and health, rather than embarking on another savage, and deeply traumatising medical intervention. Those with implants often seek to get them removed, whilst others may seek less invasive treatments for extensive gynecomastia.
To get assistance for breast removal or hair removal, in the United Kingdom; a detransitioner must go through the gender clinic system again. Regardless of the long wait times, it’s highly unlikely a detransitioner, would actively engage with Gender Clinics given past medical trauma. Instead, many are looking to self-fund correctional surgeries to fix bleeding, urinary, and tissue corrections outside of mainstream healthcare providers.
Detrans women, even only after a few months on testosterone will experience facial hair growth. Laser hair removal in the UK and Europe is relatively cheap when weighed against other medical procedures, but can drastically improve the quality of life of someone with unwanted facial hair. Some attempt to engage in voice therapy, but find themselves unable to use the same techniques that work for males, this could be down to how the larynx settles in females who take testosterone.
In the United States, detransition-related surgeries and treatments are often not covered by healthcare providers, and often pay out of their own pocket, at high expense.
The Cataclysm of Shame
Those of us unable to maintain the story we’ve told ourselves to deal with regret, are overcome with shame at the realisation of what we’ve done and advocated for. I refused surgery time and time again until I was eventually convinced that this would be the penultimate fix for my gender dysphoria.
I went from being pensive, and doubtful to extremely optimistic all within a relatively short period. Therapists and psychiatrists alike all told me fantastical things about Gender Reassignment Surgery. One psychiatrist claimed that the tissue heals in a way that mimics a natal woman’s vagina, and another told me after expressing concerns for regret that I should “see the bigger picture” and that I was an “ideal candidate for gender reassignment surgery”.
That brain worm was powerful. All doubt was attributed to internalised transphobia and the fact multiple specialists were essentially telling me I was a case example of transsexualism, which eventually made me believe it.
Yet regardless of how many sessions I had at the gender clinic, ultimately I’m still the one who walked into the hospital. Whilst supporters are quick to assure me the blame isn’t mine, I think it’s healthy to still accept my fair share.
I know, I wasn’t holding scalpels, I didn’t do the assessments, and I should have gotten the help I was asking for, not a modern-day sexual lobotomy. I understand that, yet I’m not alone in feeling the overpowering weight of shame, forever present and tiring to carry around.
More so, when a person does speak out, detrans or not; they are met with a vicious reception. You don’t have to go far through a detransitioners profile to witness the vitriol firsthand, and trans people who raise the alarm are no exception to the rule. KC Miller posted a viral Twitter video that has been mocked and ridiculed by just about every pro-trans name.
Therapy - A Dead End for detransitioners?
Not everyone has the same experience with therapists. In transition, it’s not uncommon for people to have only one or two sessions with a gender therapist before taking hormones or having any surgery, though, others like myself had a radically different experience.
During my time in the Gender Clinic, including sessions with gender affirmation therapists, voice therapists, psychiatrists, and medics, I had over 150 appointments from 2014 to 2020. Add in blood work, surgery-related care, and laser hair removal sessions and I’m well over 200 appointments within that period.
In the detrans sphere, a theme is emerging with men and women, that those of us who have tried to reengage with a therapist, regardless of their skillset and experience, are finding it extraordinarily difficult to maintain.
We are exhausted and fatigued from therapy.
This is especially true for detransitioners who are expected to engage with Gender Clinics and therapists who set them on this path, to begin with, akin to ‘taking them to church’ as the song goes. Why on earth would I or any other detransitioner want to engage with these people? Especially if we were harmed. Why should we?
Whilst much work tirelessly, without expectation for reward, and often at great risk to their career, others see it as a potential niche or gap in the market, and just like the affirming therapists of the past decade, they waste no time in attempting to commoditize the detrans experience with self-proclaimed expertise on a topic, they could only guess at. And with that comes a notion, that the best way to help a detransitioner is to ignore the possibility that transition may of be any benefit to them whatsoever in the present or future.
Is this not exactly how we got here, to begin with? Affirming a detransitioner based on a belief that transition is harmful is no better than a gender-affirming therapist affirming someone’s transition at any cost.
Self pro-claimed gender therapists, who have operated freely, without restriction are one of the key drivers in the gender-affirmation market. The job seems easy, especially if a conversion therapy law prevents you from even questioning a client, all you have to do is bop your head and take the money, and no medical expertise is required. That is the problem. We should not be mixing theory-driven therapy with detransitioners, we need and deserve someone with far more expertise and medical background.
Adopting the same approach, but in reverse is unhelpful.
Counseling and therapy need better regulation and controls for these reasons. How about a break from therapists, surgeons, and self-proclaimed experts? How about we try something different?
Though, that being said…
Whilst others are burnt out from therapy, some have never been exposed to it. For the most part, I found myself just going back out of loyalty and routine, as opposed to returning for any real personal benefit.
Sure, there are benefits, and I certainly gained an understanding of some of my issues, but after all the years I’ve been present in talking to therapists, I very rarely achieved the promised ‘light bulb moments that I yearned for.
However, some may benefit from unpacking childhood trauma and gaining a new understanding of themselves, I would never want to deny a detransitioner or discourage them from seeking help on that because I or others may be weary.
The option should always remain open, and we deserve expertise rather than guesswork.
ROGD Parents and Detransitioners
It may seem cliché, but many of our issues stem from poor relationships with our parents. Not all of course, yet using the detrans male support group as an example, we have found that an overwhelming number have experienced a disconnect with their fathers.
To begin with, we allowed one or two therapists in the group to facilitate conversations, yet it hasn’t had the impact we had hoped it would. While attempting to find the right person to help us, the answer has unexpectedly revealed itself. With exception, we allow on occasion, ROGD fathers to join the detrans male group.
We have found time and time again, that their presence is not only mutually beneficial, but essential in becoming confident in ourselves as men. As a result, an unexpected symbiotic relationship has formed between detransitioning males and ROGD fathers. They provide us with something we’ve yearned for our entire lives, an older male we can look up to, and we provide them with a lens into their son’s transition experience.
ROGD mothers from Bayswater and Parents of Inconvenient Truths have become, perhaps the fiercest advocates for detransitioners too, and it makes sense for the groups to work closely. Life Detranstions and Genspect have paved the way forward with this and are already seeing success, whether it’s detransitioner check-ins, parent groups, or otherwise.
It makes sense that many detransitioners are disengaging with therapy and are more wildly drawn to group-style chats. Just like cult survivors, former addicts, and abuse survivors, facilitated group discussions with the right facilitator appear to be the more popular option for detransitioners.
Sorry, we can’t save your sons/daughter
No, we can’t save your kids.
Some ROGD parents can sometimes become overbearing to detransitioners, unintentionally bombarding them with requests, links, and calls to action. This is not the type of support that we’re looking for, though we appreciate the activism, it can be quite tiring.
I won’t claim to understand the urgency parents feel, but often our messages are flooded with parents asking or looking for that golden phrase as if it’s some spell that can be broken by uttering the right words.
Final Thoughts
We most certainly don’t want to burn bridges, when so few have been built. However, as it stands we are at the precipice of something new, and if we do it right we can help everyone, but we cannot afford to create a carbon copy of what we had before.
We need better.
It’s deeply important to me and many others that we do not swing the pendulum from one extreme to another. No detransitioner is calling for bans on all trans healthcare, we’re calling for informed research and examination, just like the Cass Review is doing.
We aim to improve services not just for ourselves, but anyone who may need them.
After a year and a half of socially transitioning, my son desisted. He explained that watching and reading about detransitioners’ experiences helped him understand himself better and the self-hatred that he has struggled with. I am grateful that you have shared your story on multiple platforms and in interviews. I do not know if he came across your story, but you, Corey, Helena, and others are doing such important work. Thank you. Truly, thank you. You are spreading deep knowledge. I grieve for you and the horrible treatment you received. I hope you win the malpractice suit!
Hi Ritchie. I am one of those clumsy parents who reached to you for advice. I just wanted to say what a wonderful and clear writer you are and to wish you love for yourself and from others. I dearly hope you have a loving family who are holding you close on your path. I am a psychotherapist, of the older variety, and I am so embarrassed by my profession and angry at the harm we are causing. I thank you for your post and your honesty and clarity about what you need now. <3