Detrans Titans - DetransIS
Detrans man interviews DetransIS, head moderator at /r/Detrans
In this series, I’ll be interviewing ‘detrans titans’, people who have made a significant impact in the detrans community and continue to do so, often at great personal cost, helping many hundreds, if not thousands of people who have found themselves waking up from a living nightmare.
I wanted to start with someone who has been an important part of my own journey, alongside many others, by emulating strong leadership despite facing her own immense personal challenges. Alex, with her moderation team and countless wise detrans people, has not only supported but ensured many do not fall into the trap of self-hatred, blame, and anger.
Alex/Lexi (aka DetransIS) is the head moderator of the Reddit group /r/detrans, the single point of support internationally, for detransitioners, questioners, and desistors. At the time of writing, /r/detrans has nearly 30,000 subscribers and has faced its own challenges in its four-year history, being temporarily shut down for a brief period in 2020. Alongside leading and handling moderation matters on Reddit, Alex also runs the detrans Discord, a peer-to-peer support group that has been an essential lifeline to many hundreds of detransitioners from across the globe.
This community has been essential in providing a balanced, informed, and neutral approach to many difficult issues that we all face. Seeing conversations with nuance was not only intellectually stimulating but refreshing. I had worried by joining this space, I was entering into a radical group; something many trans people think coming into this space, but it’s simply not the case - instead you’re met with a balanced, measured, and well-read set of people who have seen that the grass isn’t always greener.
The Interview
TR: Thank you for agreeing to be my second detrans titan! You’ve been a positive influence in my own detransition journey and I wanted to take this opportunity for others to meet one of the people who continue to have a significantly positive impact on the detransitioners and desistors.
Can you tell us about your transition, how it started and what it was that lead you to your detransition?
Alex: It probably all started when I started to really feel like I didn't belong. As a child, I was often criticized and even questioned by other kids’ parents for roughhousing, wrestling, and just generally "not being a proper young lady." Though the worst of it was probably in adolescence.
The division between boys and girls, suddenly feeling like the only girl who liked the quote on quote boy things, and what's worse my congenital condition of sexual development or CCSD for short otherwise known as DSD, or "intersex" led to me really feeling like the odd one out compared to my peers. Being stunted in size, looking like a child, and being a lot frailer even to the point of harmful rumours about me from the other kids just led to this growing discomfort and me desperately trying to push myself into feminine stereotypes just to not be picked on or singled out.
Though ultimately, it wasn't until I was treated poorly for lack of better phrasing in a facility in the south when I was fourteen that led to me learning what gender dysphoria was and attached this word to my discomfort, and experiences. Absolutely horrible things happened to me in this place, I have gaps in my memory and I freeze up just trying to recall details... but to generalize it, I was so desperate in getting out and I just wanted to be loved and treated like I was "normal." Ultimately, I transitioned because I was convinced that because of my so-called gender dysphoria and differences I could become "normal" if I became a trans boy.
Honestly? It worked, I suddenly was treated with respect and I was convinced everyone around me that I was just one of the guys now... Not to mention I felt amazing for the first time in my life. There was one person who didn't buy into this illusion though.
That person was me, as I became more distressed and obsessed with binding my chest despite having minimal growth there and testosterone doing "good work" on my body in terms of growth and development. I started to find myself getting pushed to the other extreme. Which means I felt I wasn't "man" enough.
Despite easily "passing" due to testosterone in crucial stages of development, never mind the fact I had a suppressed endocrine system. I started working out, taking tips from my dad who would work out with me even. My dad was a bit uncomfortable with my obsession with trying to man-up my body with surgery, especially when no one but family even knew I was female but offered to help me pay for surgeries.
We travelled to pretty much at the time the only person willing to do phalloplasty back then for a consult and he refused on the basis of me being a teenager and that I had to be on testosterone as an adult for a certain amount of time. After this experience, I started to become much worse in regards to my mental distress even feeling I'd die if I didn't get the procedure. Tried with a mastectomy as well but the same deal, just a little less strict guidelines were responded with. It started to feel like my reflection was mocking me and I always saw her.
My obsession over my body, despite "passing," made me realize that no one else was seeing that "weak little girl" I was trying to escape being, I did because I knew she existed and that she always would exist... This realization led to me starting to panic and going to my endo at the time, who just affirmed to me that this was normal doubt for a "young man" and that it'd pass. Pushed me to schedule with my gender therapist and it was a broken record, but they did manage to put me off from quitting testosterone at the point I would have actually quit. Pushed into experimenting with being a "gender-nonconforming guy" I still felt like I wasn't myself. Eventually, the doubt of doing all this got to be too much and I managed to quit testosterone, starting my detransition and ghosting my endocrinologist and gender therapist. I felt ashamed to reach out to them that I had stopped, so I just went cold turkey from inconsistent dosages.
I stopped seeing my doctor in around late 2007, I saw my gender therapist upwards to mid-2008 which was also my last lab… but eventually, I ghosted him too. It was the same old affirmation with both of them, telling me that doubt was normal in young men and that people who've gone this far don't turn back.
They never challenged me to face why I felt this way and kept pushing me to join the local LGBT community center so I could "meet others like me." I had a terrible impression of the LGBT community back when I first started my transition, so I never could bring myself to go into that place until later again after I went cold turkey off testosterone. Their words haunted me and caused me to fluctuate and stall out my remaining testosterone vial after ghosting my therapist.
From that point, I was dealing with trying to navigate life on my own until around early 2012 which is when I reluctantly tried to get help again wondering why my body wasn't "turning back." Then I got put through hoops in trying to get care again, only finally being able to get a doctor referral in 2015 which I was very vague, embarrassed, and even hiding aspects of my transgender past with a new female doctor in a different facility and area. I don't see that doctor again, I changed services again probably around 3 years ago due to all the issues regarding my CCSD and the dangerous overlaps in trans care with my care, and the disturbing behaviour of the staff in that hospital especially regarding my mosaicism.
TR: You’re also an avid gamer! What’s currently occupying your time and what is your absolute favorite game(s) of all time?
Alex: Lately I've been just focusing on trying to fully complete The Binding of Isaac, it's a pretty disturbing religious-themed rogue-lite that explores the life of an abused child of a single parent. Outside of that, I've been playing games in the Dungeon Defenders series, typically tower defence but one of the games is also a rogue-lite with minor tower defence elements as well.
For a while, I was big into Genshin Impact but I can't really stick to MMOs or online games in general unless I have a group and my group all got tired of the game, not that I blame them because the multiplayer of that game is very repetitive and that goes for single player beyond as well. I guess modded Terraria too, I've been into that lately with some of my closest friends.
As for absolute favorite games of all time? I have to be honest... I don't really have one. There's no game, much less a franchise I've obsessed with to that degree. As a kid, I was big into the Phantasy Star series but as an adult, it's a lot different now
TR: In your Twitter bio, you mention that you have Mosaicism - can you ELI5 what that means and how that’s impacted your own advocacy journey?
Alex: I'm not sure I can explain mosaicism like someone's five, it's honestly a very complicated phenomenon that can happen within fetal development and many adults often conflate and mix it up with chimerism.
I guess the best way I can explain it is mosaicism indicates the presence of two or more groups of cells with different genotypes, or karyotypes in one person who has developed from a single fertilized egg.
It basically means I have cells in my body that are 46 XX, and cells in my body that are 46 XY
TR: That’s a pretty cool avatar - are you able to share your experiences working as a pixel artist? Are you still working in that field?
Alex: Thank you, I honestly feel it could be better though. I can share some of it, I've been in the pixel art field for at least the past four years despite being heavily involved in making pixel art since I first had access to Microsoft paint.
It's mostly involved taking commissions from developers or people who just really want sprites of their cast of characters, I used to have a contract with a particular group but it was unfortunately terminated due to a sketch I shared being tracked down to the very group I was working with.
TR: You’re the head moderator of /r/detrans, a sub that nearly has 30k members! How did that all get started and what would you like any readers to know first and foremost about the community?
Alex: I wasn't around for r/detrans first being started but I can tell you back in late 2017 the founder of r/detrans, whom was a detransitioned man started to notice that on the only detransition subreddit at the time, r/detransition that moderators were quietly removing posts and locked down the subreddit. Eventually he noticed that the creator of r/detransition, a trans woman who apparently committed.. the unfortunate deed after gender confirmation surgery had passed away and hours after the announcement three power mods across transgender subreddits were appointed as moderators.
I'd like people to know that r/detrans had a rough start and originally it was a very political community that seemed to only talk about detransition without focusing on the input from detransitioners. We had a horrible problem in the past that led to people without trans experience and those who were currently transitioned talking down and over the people who the community was designed for. This was a problem and one that I took into my own hands after Reddit banned us temporarily in the summer of 2020.
I was panicked and I tried to recruit some more moderate moderators and work with whoever was left but it was then we decided to be stricter about who's allowed to post. Though it wouldn't be long until I got blackmailed by some users on a trans subreddit who were stalking me in Discord and taking things I said out of context. I decided to step down as a moderator shortly after that and convinced some of the other moderators with more controversial histories to leave with me, all for preserving the subreddit.
At the end of the day r/detrans exists to provide detransitioners and those questioning a means to see they aren't alone. I want to capture and continue to capture that same feeling that stopped me from doing the deed when I first stumbled on the subreddit all that time ago. I was at the point of giving up and my life felt like it had no meaning which I felt truly alone. That subreddit and the detrans women's discord server which sadly now is abandoned were the factors in preventing me from doing the deed. I never want anyone else to feel as powerless and alone as I did and feeling as if your only choice is that awful option. Echo chambers within the trans community only worsen those feelings, no matter how much you convince yourself otherwise it will eventually catch up with you and I don't want anyone else to go through anything remotely similar to what I did.
TR: The reddit page often gets targeted by various different groups, are you able to talk more about that?
Alex: Sure. We often get targeted by every group that could be considered part of the "gender wars." However most frequently we are brigaded and dealing with flair abuse from transgender people who feel we are nothing more then "Larping TERFs" to quote their own words. They're probably the most frustrating to deal with in regards to our attacks because they don't like the fact that many detransitioners are learning that they aren't a tiny little exception who slipped through the cracks and something is going terribly wrong. We build a sense of community and many of us share the truths of the trans communities we used to be apart of, the same truths that we were hushed about or told to ignore only to find that the pressure to push forward and the abuse is common.
I will note though that I have also seen flair abuse come from so called GCs, and conservatives as well. Though often once we catch them we remove their flair and they back off usually. They're more infamous in my handbook for misrepresenting our subreddit and using it to imply all trans people will meet this fate when we don't know that and we certainly cannot state that either. There's proven evidence that transition can seemingly work for some people, but why that is? That's the question we don't have and many of us want.
TR: I’m sorry to hear about the targeted abuse you’ve received online and in person, what advice would you give to someone who finds themselves in a similar situation?
Alex: "You're not alone, practice safety and do whatever you can to keep yourself safe. LGBTQ helplines are not going to help you though, I am sad to say."
I've certainly been on the receiving end of abuse from many trans activists, for my work and status as a detransitioner in person to the multitudes of threats and verbal harassment I get in chatrooms and messages.
Back when I first started speaking out I was hung up on when I reached out for help when a trans activist threatened my life and made it clear they knew who I was in person and a good idea where I lived. In another instance they condescendingly told me that I was clearly in a state of panic and that there was no reason for this transphobia, no one was out to get me. Those hotlines have honestly been completely useless and I've met other detransitioners who've gone through the same with them.
TR: The Detrans Discord is another huge part of the community, which like the reddit page seems to be the only source of support internationally for detrans people. Though its unfortunate detransitioners have to help themselves, it is also an extraordinary achievement to have run, maintained, and grown this space. Have you any reflections on that?
Alex: Honestly I'm just happy that it's working out as well as it is, though it does get tiring to be one of the only two moderators especially when I don't want to insert myself into an authority position in an argument unless absolutely necessary.
I never expected my chance to come back and moderate for r/detrans again to be connected to creating a discord server to replace the chatroom that r/detrans once had. As long as the server can help people and give them the resources and community I wish I had when I first started my detransition and for them never to fall into that state of feeling everything is hopeless then I'm satisfied. I'm hoping that going forward we can find some other trustworthy moderators with detrans experience who will respect the nature of the space and only intervene when absolutely necessary.
TR: It seems like a great deal of effort is put in by the moderators to ensure the detrans space doesn’t become an echo chamber, what have you found helpful for yourself and for the community to mitigate that risk?
Alex: I have to remind myself and the other moderators that as moderators we need to discard our bias when dealing with these matters. There are going to be posts I don't agree with and there have been many but I simply allow the space to be used to get that opinion in and I try to watch for reports to make sure someone's right to speak who has the right to speak in the subreddit [or server] maintains that right.
I think it's important that detrans spaces try to do what trans spaces don't do and that allows diverse thought and belief take place, but because of that you have to watch out for the inevitable bad faith debate that can take place on any perspective.
I try to remind everyone that we have our own biases and that some people don't think the same as others and that should be okay, we shouldn't want to be in a space that tells us what we want to hear because that's exactly what got some of us into this mess, to begin with. So I try to focus on the rules that encourage people to be honest about their beliefs, and opinions and even discuss them with other people in a civil manner, and to always remember the human behind the screen.
TR: Final question, what are you looking forward to the most in the coming year?
Alex: It's not a question I really think about honestly. In regards to the detransition matter, I don't really look forward to any of this. When this was all first starting I was crossing my fingers and hoping we were wrong, that trans people were in fact correct... but now I just feel depressed even thinking about the future.
Guess it says a lot about me, considering advocacy has mostly become all I can do these days thanks to my disability. I guess realistically I look forward to getting my health insurance back and possibly trying to figure out my plans so I can finally get on with my own life again and maybe try to get in a better position.
TR: Thank you Alex for your time, honesty, and everything you’ve been doing and continue to do for detrans people internationally, it was a pleasure interviewing you and gaining insight into your story and the work that you’ve been doing. I hope others find this helpful.
For anyone at the beginning of their Detransition journey, advice help, and support is available on reddit.com/r/detrans
Brilliant first choice for interviewee and thank you Alex for all you do. I visit that Reddit group (but don’t post because as you say it is for detrans people to have their space) but read so many heartbreaking stories and really want to give everyone there a big hug. The support within that community is very special and you make it possible.
Excellent interview.